(Ir)Replaceable?

Are people really replaceable? Did Beyonce get it right in her song? And what are the grounds for replacing a person?

When someone has positively impacted your life they aren't replaceable, period. Argue me down if you want, but it's impossible. When a person has made an effort to improve your life unselfishly they leave an imprint, one that you aren't quick to forget. Can you think back to a time when someone has left your life for a factor beyond your control (moving, death, etc.)? How easy was that person to forget? I'm sure you still remember them and that they are still relevant in your life. When love is a factor and a person has committed themselves to giving you love they leave an imprint because every loving relationship is an example of the Divine loving you through that person. When you are being loved it resonates with your true being (AKA your spiritual self). There is nothing that can rival that feeling and that is why we seek it out time and time again. That is why we seek to connect to people constantly. Even when we are disappointed in our relationships we continue to seek out close bonds between ourselves and others. This is why loving connections are so desirable and irreplaceable. When you disconnect from someone dear to you it is only natural to seek out another to fill the void. However, the void is never truly filled, but we do manage to create another connection which may be comparable. This does not disconnect us, though, from the bond we had previously formed. Loving connections on all levels are irreplaceable and the proof is in all of our experiences.

So what was Beyonce talking about then? Well the woman in the song was dealing with a person that was more of a drain then a contribution to her life. Is that the description of a loving connection? Then she was right, he was replaceable. You can replace something unloving with a loving bond, you can write right over it, and erase the lack with love and unconditionality. Although she will probably never forget the guy, the love that she receives on the next go 'round will replenish what was lacking. She won't forget it not because it is something that she is missing, but because it helped her to realize what she was lacking in the situation - love.

I am offering up a challenge here, for all the people I love and care for, myself included, and all those who will read this post: It's time that we stop wasting our time and energy on relationships that are replaceable, that drain us more than renew us, that are not based upon love. It is time that we devote more of our energy to the irreplaceable relationships in our lives and devote more time to creating more of those bonds with others based upon love.

Thought of the Day(na): At the end of even our darkest day love wins, love always wins. Actively seek it out and you will never lose.

I want to spend time until it ends....

I want to be in love, happily in love. I almost forget what that feels like; not happily infatuated or happily in puppy love, but happily in love - the real thing. And I think that's what everyone wants, whether they are willing to admit it or not. So if that's what most of us want, then why have so few of us actually accomplished it and sustained it. Why is it so hard to be in love and stay in love?

There are so many people walking around claiming that they have love who don't have the slightest clue. I personally know people that are settling, who put up with so much in the name of love. I personally know people who compromise their own sanity, self-love, and integrity and have the nerve to call what they are experiencing love. Is it too much to have expectations, to expect respect, to anticipate someone who will love you for exactly who you are? No, you were created in the flawless and fierce image of the All-That-Is (God). And love is something that we can expect because of it, we are created in love so we do deserve love. I can guarantee that if we start raising our expectations of love and knowing that we deserve it we will get more then we could ever imagine from and through love. Raise your expectations, expect greatness, expect fidelity, longevity, and sincerity. Expect love unconditionally. I want to spend time IN LOVE until it ends.....and I expect it.

Question: Why do you think it's so hard to be in love and stay in love?

This post is to be continued because there are a couple questions that arouse after I was finished writing it: Maybe a lot of people just don't know what love looks like? Maybe they don't even know what to ask for or expect?

Oh, Baby!

I am reading this book called "Baby Love," it documents Rebecca Walker's (Alice Walker's daughter's) journey through her first pregnancy at 34. The book is so moving because it details the uncertainties she's facing as her mother's daughter, and as an independent, feminist in the 21st century. She battles many of the issues me and my peers are confronting: independence, self-autonomy, success, and freedom. I have yet to finish it, but I would recommend it to my female peers, especially those concerned with having it all, self-sacrifice, etc. I am not quick to put myself out there, but when I was reading the book I literally cried on every other page. Why? Because it made me realize just how much I want to have a child. It hit me like a 2 ton of bricks, right out of left field, and it took over me akin to an insatiable hunger (and any other cliches you can think of). WTF, why do I want to have a child!?! And what would I do with one? The more I tried to explain the urge away, the worse the urge got, the worse it got, the more emotional I became. Hormonal, instinctual, call it what you will, it's here to stay. It's almost akin to explaining away hunger:

Why are you hungry?
Because I want food.
Why do you want food?
Because you're hungry.

Why do you want a baby?
Because I have the urge.
Why do you have the urge?
Because I want a baby.

No explaining away here. If my mother ever reads this she's going to think I've gone mad, the more I think about it the more I think I have gone mad! No, I'm not looking to have a baby right now, I do have a rational side to me. I'm 24, soon to be unemployed (don't ask), and I don't even have my car in my own name. Trust me I am not becoming pregnant anytime soon, not to mention there are no prospects on the horizon to do the impregnating. And no I am not looking for volunteers! There are certain milestones that need to be surmounted before I can even entertain the idea, but I have been completely overtaken by the idea.

So I didn't start this post to be about my infatuation with my unconceived child, I want this to be about this fear of being unable to "have it all" (whatever that means) that so many of my peers are dealing with. Is it possible to be independent women, cater to ourselves and our goals, and still manage to have a family one day? I have friends at both extremes, either they have deferred their dreams to raise their children or they have put relationships and/or the potential of marriage, children, etc. on the back-burner to focus on their career and their dreams. So my questions is, is balance possible? Can I be a young woman devoted to myself, my career, manage a successful relationship that leads to marriage and possibly start a family, all the while maintaining my self-autonomy and freedom. Wow, that sounds like a lot to ask for! For me, the whole having the relationship thing is not an issue, the problem is having a partner who will actively engage in a partnership. If I want the man, the career, mySelf, and the kids, the balance of the family starts with a willing and able partner. That's why I'm single now, I've had more than my fair share of willing partners, it's just the able part that gets tricky. I think most women aren't looking for a man to pay our bills and support us financially, most of us are looking for support in our daily lives, someone that will help us get through our days. We're looking for our best friend, our life partner, our reflection, the yin to our yang. Understanding I have someone that will help me clean up when the ish hits the fan would take the pressure off as far as willing and able. I need someone that's ride or die. Maybe it's not so much about an able partner, maybe it's about how I'm growing to be an able partner for someone else. At the end of the day I can only do my best and have faith that just as I'm preparing myself, someone somewhere is getting ready for me too. So you better watch out, I am going to have it all. And even though I don't have many examples to go off of, I can lead the way. But for now I won't be picking out baby names, but I will get excited about it one day being on the horizon.

Question: What is your definition of having it all?

Making deals with the devil...Is it worth it?

How often have you been involved in a situation where it seems like you could have something you want but the wages you must pay aren't worth it? Your happiness may be on the line. You integrity may be on the line. Whatever it is, it's almost synonymous with making a deal with the devil. Putting yourself on the line for something that seems potentially good at the time. Let me give you an example, I had the opportunity to engage in a friendship with a person who by all appearances was a good person, seemed like a fairly win-win situation. I get a good friend, and I get to be a good friend in return, right? Wrong...what wasn't first revealed in this proposition were all the terms and conditions. Yes, terms and conditions in a friendship! Basically, when I actually took a step back and looked at the situation, I would have been compromising myself to have something that wasn't worth that price. So I made the decision to cut ties. I am a God-loving woman and my soul isn't for sale.

I'm working on being a person of integrity everyday. I believe that all great leaders should strive for flawless integrity. Compromising the things that I value most in myself goes against the person I strive to be. I know that any experience worth having and any person worth knowing is only worthwhile through me honoring the person I am. What I saw on the horizon in the situation I described earlier was discomfort from being dishonest with myself and selling myself short. Knowing your worth and what you will and will not settle for are key in situations such as these. Thinking in my right mind from day one, the situation would not have required any hesitation. When someone asks you to compromise yourself, it's time to bounce. Do you know what you are worth? Do you know what you won't stand for? If you can't answer yes to both of these questions, it's time to start evaluating.

How are you going to know what to do when trouble rears its head? To prevent yourself from offering yourself up prematurely, not staying true to your worthiness, and from being taken advantage of its a good idea to take the time to get acquainted with your worth. What is your worth? I can tell you, but it won't matter if you don't know it yourself. You are invaluable, there is not price that can be equated with you. When people ask you to compromise your integrity and self value don't hesitate to show them the door because it shouldn't be for sale. Like I've said in previous posts, the situations and people that are to help you on your path are already lined up and you will not have to sell your soul in the process. Yes, there will always be work that needs to be done, in one form or another, to attain the things you desire, but giving of yourself is not the same as compromising yourself. Know the difference so that when propositions occur you can be clear about which you're being asked for.

Question: What are the qualities you strive for? What are some things that you won't stand for?

The Good, the Bad, and the Great....

We spend so much time anticipating the good and the moment we get it we start to wait for the bad things to occur. I'm not saying this includes all people, and for all I know it doesn't include you, but I'm sure you've experienced this at one point or another in your life - doubt, an inherit characteristic of our human experience. From a very young age most of us were exposed to the "if it's too good to be true..." lessons of life. So naturally we have a tendency to be suspicious when things seem to be going well. We are waiting for some shoes to start dropping. Does anyone ever wonder just how much the actual act of doubting contributes to our disappointments? Don't get me wrong, the simple act of thinking "happy" thoughts won't prevent what is coming, but not doubting won't accelerate it. How often does it help to doubt when a situation is going bad? How about never. I have never known a situation to be aided when doubt was involved. So maybe it's a good idea not to include it when things are going well.

Personally, I pray for the "to good to be true..." moments. I want things, situations, and people in my life that are so amazing it almost seems unreal. And I usually get them. Why don't they occur consistently and constantly? One word - DOUBT. I sometimes doubt away great things, situations, and people in my life. It's never hard for me to attract them, but keeping them is another exercise altogether. It requires me to go against an almost quarter century of programming. Taught not just through words, but also by the actions of my relatives and peers. There is a not so subtle message being delivered - if and when you get what you want, if it's too easy, amazing, or too much you better watch out because it's either not yours to keep or something bad is about to occur. Sounds a little much? You don't know any people in your world that delivers that message? Well congratulations, can I live in your world? It may sound dismal and a little depressing, but I'm detailing the events of my past and many situations I still see taking place in many people's lives. I'm tired of seeing people suffer. I'm tired of seeing people being disappointed. I'm tired of seeing people depressed. I want people to know that it's okay to have joy, to enjoy the experiences you have and the people that come with them. It does require a shift in consciousness. It does require work and a relentless drive for more. It does require celebration even when other people may wonder what you have to celebrate. This life, this time is so precious and so limited it's time for us to stop waiting for things to go bad and expect them to be great. Not good, but great, and anticipate them getting greater.

Question: What is great in you world right now? What do you have to celebrate?

Divine Connections - Part II (Platonic Associations)

You know the saying, "Beware of the company you keep"? Who you associate with definitely has affect on you and your path. What implications are there associated with the people you allow in your life? Some might say it's the difference between success and failure. We are very tempted to maintain relationships with people because of history or what we feel we have to gain. Your future is too valuable to just allow anyone to take part in your inner circle. Just because someone is appealing does not mean they should be allowed to be that close, the right people to aid you will be brought to you regardless, don't sell yourself short, do not settle. If you spend all your time associating with the "wrong" people you won't be available when the "right" people come along.

So how does one qualify as the "right" type of person? We each have our own measuring stick, but for me (considering it is my circle) it's about how they respond and relate to me, especially when times aren't perfect. Are they the type of person that laughs at my idiosyncrasies? Or are they the type to get annoyed easily? Are they the type to be open to me unconditionally? Or are they quick to hold back, lie, and judge? Can I act like my eccentric self? Or do I have to walk on eggshells trying to fit into their definition of cool? Are they actively promoting my growth, taking the time out to engage me in my interests? Or is it completely about their agenda and their requirements for our relationship? That's my list, and if I can not answer on the side of what I know to be a positive contribution to my life then I tend to pass on the relationship all together. People who are not actively for you will contaminate your way of being. For those that I am already actively involved with who are not a positive contribution, I have learned to love them from a distance. My inner world is too important to allow anyone to compromise it and seeing how relationships are the basis of 99% of everything in our human experience you must be careful about who you share your life. This goes for all relationships, platonic and otherwise.

So how do you attract the Divine Connections in our friendships, business partnerships, etc? By not settling and being honest with ourselves about that person's capacity for positively contributing to your lives. Take notice of the people who want to help you, not for their benefit, but for yours. Pay attention to the people who actively go out of their way to let you know they care, especially at the times you may not be at your best. Who still shows up? That is you current circle of cheerleaders, fans, BFFs, etc. To attract and allow others who fit into these categories, pay attention when you are interacting with people how they respond to you. Are they eager, interested, and more than helpful? Does it feel easy to interact with them, almost natural, not forced or contrived? Not to say this means you should look to that person/these people to trust with your deepest darkest secrets, but it's a start and who knows it may be another Divine Connection in the making. Know what your requirements are for your inner circle, your standards. It may seem exclusive and it should be, these relationships are the ones that affect your life greatly. Know your requirements, but be open to these people being brought into your life. They are already on their way to you, but you must allow them.

Question: What are your qualifications for your inner circle?

Divine Connections - Part I (Romantic Relationships)

I am convinced that I always have and always will be relationship ready. I'm just one of those types of people that have seemed to always have a relationship and/or want one. Now being a woman in the 21st century, a time when equal access and independence should be at the top of my list, I have often been criticized for being "insecure" and "afraid to be alone." At first when the responses came about I questioned myself (yes, I did) but I soon came to realize that my security (or lack thereof) was independent of my fondness of relationship. I am a chronic giver and I like making people I love happy and I love the dynamic a relationship creates that allows me to do what I do and like to do best.

However, I think overtime I've sold myself short with my romantic relationships. So what is the difference between what I've experienced in the past and what I've ultimately desired and fell short of? A Divine Connection (AKA, a true level of compatibility, based on the desire for mutual support, trust, and love). I was flipping TV channels the other night and came across a Joel Osteen presentation. I paused when I noticed the title - Divine Connections. I was intrigued by the title and the relevance to my current situation (newly single). Joel basically broke it down into two points that resonated with me: 1) when a door closes and/or will not open it is God protecting you, 2) God already has the right people lined up to help you match up with your desires if you would allow it.

Spiritual overtones aside, why do we fear what we'll be left with once a door closes? Is there some understanding of lack that we've come to accept? And if the person was really "right"/"good" for you why are they not in their previous position anymore? Generally people leave because they need to, they need to free up a space in your life so that there is a place for growth and/or room to attract another/others who will aid you growth. Love is not disappointment, doubt, anger, pain, or fear, so when someone/something shows up in your life displaying one or more of these attributes in the name of love it's time to start looking for the doorknob! Sometimes it's not so loud, or as Joel calls it, "it is a still, small voice." Either way you are being directed away from a relationship that contradicts the Divine Connections that are in store for you. Let that door stay shut! Forcing it open/propping it open is only going to give you more of what you don't want - heartache.

Why does it always seem when you're not looking for relationships you seem to stumble upon one? Coincidence? I think not. There is no such thing, it's more like synchronicity. You were so busy not worrying about a relationship that you did not impeded what was directly lined up for you. A faithful person knows that the people who are to help you desires come into fruition are already lined up. If we loosen our hold of the reigns we can allow what is being given to us, otherwise we'll continue to block it. It's difficult to engage in the relationships we desire when we are currently involved (physically and/or emotionally) in relationships that do not aid our growth. So what's the answer? It's time to clean house. Free up some space for your growth and for the people who will aid it, romantic and otherwise.

Question: In what ways do you actively promote Divine Connections in your life?

How long does it take....

It's about time for monumental change, real change in the lives of many young people. It's about time that we take responsibility for our lives and being, in as many ways as possible. How often do we encounter people in our social arena who are still pointing the finger and looking outward to place reponsibility for their current situation on other people. I'm not sure how many people have actually picked up the book "The Secret," but the phenomenon is sweeping across the country. It is basically a book that sums up the Law of Attraction (LOA), meaning like attracts like. So if you have a thought and it is emotionally charged, whether negative or positive you are going to attract more of that thought, more situations that are similar, and more people who will help bring what you are thinking about into your reality, whether you actually want it or not. Unlike most people who have just now picked up this book, I have been studying the LOA for over 5 years now. The great thing about it is that it doesn't conflict religiousity and that it makes you more than responsible for you current condition (!!!).

What I've noticed is that depending upon how I feel AND what I think about, I usually get what I focus on, negative or positive. Makes sense doesn't it? It's not as easy to work with as it seems because it requires me to take responsibility and for me to pay attention to what it is that I'm focusing on.

I've noticed, lately, that I've been in the company of people who are not taking responsibility for their power in their own lives. It's been difficult to interact with these people on a higher level, because all I want to do is shake them and scream "This is your doing!!! Stop putting it off on everyone else!!!," but unfortunately I can't. No matter what I do and what I yell it's not going to change how they react and/or respond. It's a life changing realization that most people have to find out on their own, and others never find out at all.

So what's my lesson here? Well since I am an avid student of LOA, it's about time I start attraction people in my life that actually practice introspection. Yep, that's it since I'm responsible for myself and my experiences, it's time to focus on what I want and let what I don't want be. Whew, easier said then done.

Question: What do you need to be focusing on that will help you bring about the situations/people you desire? How do you keep yourself from focusing on negativity?

Make the most of it.....

How often do we enter a situation in our lives, our very young lives, and don't make the most of it and kick ourselves later? Whether it be a job, a relationship, or a living situation, it seems like a lot of my peers have too many regrets at such a young age. Why do we deny ourselves the joy of the moment? Why do we not make the most of our youth and the situations that we will pray to have again when we are older with more obligations and responsibilities? Yes we may have some pretty heavy and important things that are going on in our lives right now, but why does it keep us from the enjoyment of those things? Just by making the most of these moments we can potentially avoid the regrets that we've noticed occur from our older relatives and friends. I don't know how old you are, what you may be doing with your life, or what pressures you may have, but you must understand that this moment, this very one, you will never get back. Yes, we have another opportunity with each passing moment, but how often do we really learn from our past and take grasp of what's ours today? For those of you who do I applaud you, but there are many more of us who allow our regrets to build up moment to moment. What have you always wanted to do, say, and be? Be that in this moment, and don't let the fear of anything rob you of it. We are young and one day we won't be so in this very moment of our youth, let's make the most of it.....

Question: What are you going to make the most of?