I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together. Baby, I'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better. - Fabolous ft. Ne-Yo, Make Me Better
I always found it confusing when I've seen (or experienced) relationships where people are struggling to make it work. Not just working hard to make it work, but struggling.. I thought one of the perks of a relationship was being able to do what you do, but better. Why better? Because instead of one person working towards one goal, you have to people working towards a goal. Two people committed to making each other's lives better. Two people committed to love and growth. Two people committed to being a "better" half. Not better in the sense of she/he is a better person than I am, but rather she/he is committed to bettering themselves and me. You make me better, I make you better, or at least that's what we try to do. That's what I mean by better half or bettering half.
In a partner ,beyond the typical standards (honesty, trust, etc.), acceptance is necessary. A close second to acceptance is my partner's commitment to helping me to be a better person and vice versa. In my eyes, one of the purposes of a relationship is for a person to have a better understanding of who they are and who they want to be in relation to another. You relating to another person creates the dynamic of contrast giving you the ability to understand yourself better based upon this contrast. It's a beautiful and necessary part of the self-actualization process.
So in the event that you are experiencing the worst in yourself rather than the best and struggling to make the relationship work, maybe it's time to reevaluate your relationship to your bettering half. Maybe it's time to reevaluate how you are relating to them. Are you being a bettering half and are they? Are you still committed to growth or are you committed to holding on? Where do your priorities currently lie? What about your focus? When you and your partners day to day interactions are not longer based upon growth maybe it's time to start readjusting, reevaluating, and/or moving on.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Family Matters
When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. ~George Bernard Shaw
Okay so in the midst of everything that must go on in the world it's impossible to expect anyone and everyone to respect your transitions. Especially your family. Especially the people who believe they have claim on everything that is personal and/or that matters to you. So in the midst of your own personal imbalance your family seems like they need you for anything and everything. Yes, we as a family, the entire (Insert Last Name Here) Clan, are in the midst of a transition. A big one and there is pain and there is disappointment and there is heartache. But at the same time there is joy and growth and comfort. But what is family for? It's to get through these transitions together. Because without them we'd have to get through them by ourselves or not get through them at all. So no matter how inconvenient it may seem when they need you it's a good idea to show up. Because I'm sure they do the same for you and then some.
Okay so in the midst of everything that must go on in the world it's impossible to expect anyone and everyone to respect your transitions. Especially your family. Especially the people who believe they have claim on everything that is personal and/or that matters to you. So in the midst of your own personal imbalance your family seems like they need you for anything and everything. Yes, we as a family, the entire (Insert Last Name Here) Clan, are in the midst of a transition. A big one and there is pain and there is disappointment and there is heartache. But at the same time there is joy and growth and comfort. But what is family for? It's to get through these transitions together. Because without them we'd have to get through them by ourselves or not get through them at all. So no matter how inconvenient it may seem when they need you it's a good idea to show up. Because I'm sure they do the same for you and then some.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Moving into Necessary
I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mine and we were talking about the relationships that we would consider recreating. I could feel and hear the pain in her voice when she spoke of the person and how she wished she could have that intimate connection again. She was dealing with regret. Regret for the lose of the relationship and regret for what she believed to be the lose of that love. I can't just call her out alone, because by listening to her I got caught up in some regret of my own.
I thought back to a relationship I had a couple years ago and how much I wanted it to work and how much I wanted to show the other person that I loved them. But I couldn't love them the way I wanted to because inside I was hurting. I wanted to scream so often at him "I can't love you when I hate myself." But I think he eventually got the picture, the proof was when I actually did push him enough that he did leave.
I didn't want it to end that way or be that way and it created a rift between us that I still dwell on. But let's revisit that statement: I can't love you when I hate myself. It almost scares me today to recall the downward spiral that my life was taking. No, there was nothing that I was involved in outwardly that was contributing to my unhealthiness. It was my inner doubt, fear, and lack of self-confidence. I wasn't moving forward because I was afraid to move, so instead I moved down, down deep into myself. Being involved with another person made it difficult to work through everything I was encountering in my darkness. So I would come out of it and then plunge back into, on and on, a vicious cycle. But once he wasn't there anymore and once it was clear (although not consciously ideal) I stayed in the darkness and worked through it. I did what was necessary without understanding that it was necessary. I actually spent 2 years fighting doing what was necessary! Because I viewed it as being unnecessary, because I was afraid to let go, because I was determined to resist the natural flow. But once I did let it go and allowed what was becoming to be, I came to the place where I was loving myself. Actively loving myself everyday, boy was it difficult but boy is it worth it. I don't like to think about it, but sometimes I have to remind myself of where I could be if I hadn't made that break. I think about the damage I could have done to myself, to him, to us. I think about the point-of-no-returns that I could have fallen into. I think about the wasted time, emotions, and energy that would have been expelled. Then I take a deep breath, close my eyes, look into me and thank God of where I've arrived. Thank God for where I'm at now and thank God from rescuing me from where I could have been. The gains have definitely outweighed the losses.
I wrote this post to encourage my friend. To encourage all of you who are afraid to do what's necessary. Guidance shows you where to go and what to do, it just takes courage to move into the necessary. The celebration of my journey has replaced my regret. And my self love has replaced the love I felt I lost. I know that I will still think of him from time to time and what I walked away from, but I know my decision will be validated by what I know I'm being prepared for. I'm being prepared for the person to whom I can say: "I can love you because I love myself."
Yes, this post is definitely about me.
I didn't want it to end that way or be that way and it created a rift between us that I still dwell on. But let's revisit that statement: I can't love you when I hate myself. It almost scares me today to recall the downward spiral that my life was taking. No, there was nothing that I was involved in outwardly that was contributing to my unhealthiness. It was my inner doubt, fear, and lack of self-confidence. I wasn't moving forward because I was afraid to move, so instead I moved down, down deep into myself. Being involved with another person made it difficult to work through everything I was encountering in my darkness. So I would come out of it and then plunge back into, on and on, a vicious cycle. But once he wasn't there anymore and once it was clear (although not consciously ideal) I stayed in the darkness and worked through it. I did what was necessary without understanding that it was necessary. I actually spent 2 years fighting doing what was necessary! Because I viewed it as being unnecessary, because I was afraid to let go, because I was determined to resist the natural flow. But once I did let it go and allowed what was becoming to be, I came to the place where I was loving myself. Actively loving myself everyday, boy was it difficult but boy is it worth it. I don't like to think about it, but sometimes I have to remind myself of where I could be if I hadn't made that break. I think about the damage I could have done to myself, to him, to us. I think about the point-of-no-returns that I could have fallen into. I think about the wasted time, emotions, and energy that would have been expelled. Then I take a deep breath, close my eyes, look into me and thank God of where I've arrived. Thank God for where I'm at now and thank God from rescuing me from where I could have been. The gains have definitely outweighed the losses.
I wrote this post to encourage my friend. To encourage all of you who are afraid to do what's necessary. Guidance shows you where to go and what to do, it just takes courage to move into the necessary. The celebration of my journey has replaced my regret. And my self love has replaced the love I felt I lost. I know that I will still think of him from time to time and what I walked away from, but I know my decision will be validated by what I know I'm being prepared for. I'm being prepared for the person to whom I can say: "I can love you because I love myself."
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Quote of the Moment
Be careful of the company you keep. I'm working on attracting and making myself available to people who can help me grow and who I can help to grow. Meditate on this for a moment and think about the people who are in your life. Are they adding to your growth or taking away from it? And if the later is true what do you plan on doing about it?
"One thing I've learned is that it is important to surround yourself with the kind of people you aspire to be. If you hang around with deadbeats and pessimists, you'll end up with a negative view of the world." - Tom Kelley
I'm choosing to have a positive view of the world and hopefully you will too. Enjoy!
Friday, June 1, 2007
Holding my heart
I'm holding my heart in my hands not making any assumptions
On the verge of where what matters meets significance
Other than the way I'm feeling predictions could be pointless
So I stare longingly trying to figure out the true meaning
Of why I'm holding my heart in my hands wondering
Noticing that as I'm holding it it's still beating
- Excerpt from The Dynamic of Holding, Noni Reyes
Are you significant to yourself? Do you wish that someone else would "hold your heart"? And if so have you been holding it yourself? I often times reflect on how significant I've become to myself over the past few years. Before this growth, I was under the assumption that their was some valor in taking care of another person over yourself. Charging yourself responsible for another person's heart, without needing, asking, or requiring them to do the same thing in return. And what did that manage to bring about? Resentment, feelings of betrayal, bitterness, etc. And then I asked myself what I wanted. I wanted another person of significance to make the needing go away. That's what I asked for, in so many words. But when I had it, did the needing go away? No. Why? Because I needed to be a person of significance to myself to make the needing go away. I needed to allow myself to be significant and put myself first.
Not to blame this on anyone or anything, but, being a young woman, society makes it okay for us to be self-sacrificing. Give, give, give. Want to be a mother. Give, give, give. Don't demand. Don't ask for what you need. Give, give, give.
Well maybe you all didn't get that memo, but that was the message that I feel has been subliminally (and not so subliminally) delivered. So how does one go about the process of holding their own heart? Well for starters it might be a good idea to ask yourself how you try to show another person that you love them. You might try to figure out what it is that they want, need, etc. You might do your best diligently to listen to them, support them, advise them, etc. You might try to help them to be a better person. Whatever your answers are, and if you haven't done it yet, take the time to try to give those things to yourself. Take the time to understand what it is that you really want. Take the time to reflect on what you've done lately to get closer to the things you want. Do you give yourself ample rest? Are you patient with yourself? Are you accepting of yourself? Think about all the ways that you could be unconditionally loving of another person and start giving within. Start loving yourself unconditionally and the most that you can. In the event that you have never tried to do this before it can be a daunting task. You might start questioning yourself, like "Do I really have to accept everything about myself, there are somethings that I don't like." It's not a destination, it's a process and a journey. One that you will continue on for the rest of your life so don't look at it like there is somewhere you should be. Instead look at it as a direction you're venturing. Make who you are significant to you.
On the verge of where what matters meets significance
Other than the way I'm feeling predictions could be pointless
So I stare longingly trying to figure out the true meaning
Of why I'm holding my heart in my hands wondering
Noticing that as I'm holding it it's still beating
- Excerpt from The Dynamic of Holding, Noni Reyes
Are you significant to yourself? Do you wish that someone else would "hold your heart"? And if so have you been holding it yourself? I often times reflect on how significant I've become to myself over the past few years. Before this growth, I was under the assumption that their was some valor in taking care of another person over yourself. Charging yourself responsible for another person's heart, without needing, asking, or requiring them to do the same thing in return. And what did that manage to bring about? Resentment, feelings of betrayal, bitterness, etc. And then I asked myself what I wanted. I wanted another person of significance to make the needing go away. That's what I asked for, in so many words. But when I had it, did the needing go away? No. Why? Because I needed to be a person of significance to myself to make the needing go away. I needed to allow myself to be significant and put myself first.
Not to blame this on anyone or anything, but, being a young woman, society makes it okay for us to be self-sacrificing. Give, give, give. Want to be a mother. Give, give, give. Don't demand. Don't ask for what you need. Give, give, give.
Well maybe you all didn't get that memo, but that was the message that I feel has been subliminally (and not so subliminally) delivered. So how does one go about the process of holding their own heart? Well for starters it might be a good idea to ask yourself how you try to show another person that you love them. You might try to figure out what it is that they want, need, etc. You might do your best diligently to listen to them, support them, advise them, etc. You might try to help them to be a better person. Whatever your answers are, and if you haven't done it yet, take the time to try to give those things to yourself. Take the time to understand what it is that you really want. Take the time to reflect on what you've done lately to get closer to the things you want. Do you give yourself ample rest? Are you patient with yourself? Are you accepting of yourself? Think about all the ways that you could be unconditionally loving of another person and start giving within. Start loving yourself unconditionally and the most that you can. In the event that you have never tried to do this before it can be a daunting task. You might start questioning yourself, like "Do I really have to accept everything about myself, there are somethings that I don't like." It's not a destination, it's a process and a journey. One that you will continue on for the rest of your life so don't look at it like there is somewhere you should be. Instead look at it as a direction you're venturing. Make who you are significant to you.
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