If you're not ready.....

.....to be open completely
.....to give as much as you can, as often as you can
.....to grow mentally, spiritually, etc.
.....to let go of your past
.....to forgive
.....to be forgiven
.....to allow for human error
.....to wake up everyday loving life
.....to understand that relationships take work
.....to understand that relationships take sacrifice
.....to understand that relationships take compromise
.....to actively practice unconditionality everyday
.....to give your best everyday
.....to let go of blame to serve a higher purpose
.....to empathize
.....to be the best person that you can be
.....to be challenged
.....to share the intimate details of yourself
.....to be devoted
.....to understand
.....to be understood
.....to put pride on the backburner
.....to expect and support another's greatness
.....to have faith
.....to be a source of inspiration
.....to be loyal
.....to be devoted
.....to be patient
.....to be proactive
.....to submit to love
.....to be honest
.....to hear honesty
.....to trust
.....to be trusted

Than maybe you're not ready for a relationship AKA real-ationship AKA relate-tionship. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship that has a foundation in greatness. I believe that if you are not making yourself available to be all of these things to and for another person then there is work that needs to be done to get you from where you are to where you want to be. I don't believe that this is outside of anybody's realm of possibilities. Some of us just don't want to do it. Some of us just aren't ready for it. Some of us are just too afraid. If it's what you want then make yourself available for it by your readiness to do it. And it will come. :o)

Did I forget anything? Let me know, please and thank-you!

Instigator - My Affirmation!

Today I am instigating of my success. The instigator of my freedom, the instigator of my joy. This day and all the days ahead I will take charge of not only the things that I need to happen, but the things I want to happen. I will wear "self-instigator" as a badge of honor: I will INSTIGATE my destiny. Not just begin, not just step out, but I put full force in spirit, mind, and body behind all that I hope for in my life. This is my solemn vow....

Compelled v. Looking

I am thoroughly amused by the statement: "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." You may say that, but most of the time you really mean, "I'm not interested in a relationship with you, but when the right person comes around then I'll jump." I get it. You're just not into him/her. If that's the case, you might just want to say it then. Or something to the effect of it. Honesty and potential lose is better than inevitable frustration and heartbreak.

Okay, but to the point, most men, I believe, take the compelled route. They aren't making any moves until they see what they want and they generally know what box to put you in within the first 20 minutes of talking to you. Like, "hey she's wifey material," or "she's probably convieniant for a good time." Not that they know for good but they have a general idea quickly whether you have the potential to be nothing, something convenient, or a whole lot more. I'm not saying all men do this, because I do know some that are actively seeking partnership. However there is a vast majority that do. And women seem to do, in general, the opposite. Our approaches seem to be the exact opposite: you can only go down from here, start out as relationship potential (Women) vs. you can only go up from here, start out as nothing to me (Men). A lot of us women (not all) tend to make ourselves always available and open to a relationship. It's like we're always trying to fit the square block into the triangle hole. Some men seem to know exactly what goes in the square space, the're just playing around until they come across the square piece that they KNOW belongs there! While us women are always on the lookout, seeking, opening ourselves up to pieces we know don't belong where we try to put them. And we keep doing it over and over again. Some of us continue to do it until we get it "right." Others just decide to wedge the triangle piece in the circular hole. While still others just get frustrated and decide to stop playing all together and leave unsatisfied.

I think the problem with most of us is that we aren't paying enough attention (or won't pay enough attention) to what we are trying to fill with what pieces. It you have a square hole don't try to fill it with a circular piece, just don't do it! If you know what you want keep going along on your merry way living your life ( playing)until it shows up. Until you SEE it! You don't go looking for it because you'll just end up trying to force it. Know what you want so when it does show up you'll know exactly what to do with it and where it goes. We need to start getting on the same page about what's most important to us, i.e. our relationships. Men aren't for Mars and women aren't from Venus, we're both from Earth and we need to be better to and for each other so we can actually enjoy the experiences of the love in our lives.

Disclaimer: The above statements do not apply to all men and all women. These are just my observations about the majority that I've interacted with.

Every Woman Should Have by Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Defining the Better Half

I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together. Baby, I'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better. - Fabolous ft. Ne-Yo, Make Me Better

I always found it confusing when I've seen (or experienced) relationships where people are struggling to make it work. Not just working hard to make it work, but struggling.. I thought one of the perks of a relationship was being able to do what you do, but better. Why better? Because instead of one person working towards one goal, you have to people working towards a goal. Two people committed to making each other's lives better. Two people committed to love and growth. Two people committed to being a "better" half. Not better in the sense of she/he is a better person than I am, but rather she/he is committed to bettering themselves and me. You make me better, I make you better, or at least that's what we try to do. That's what I mean by better half or bettering half.

In a partner ,beyond the typical standards (honesty, trust, etc.), acceptance is necessary. A close second to acceptance is my partner's commitment to helping me to be a better person and vice versa. In my eyes, one of the purposes of a relationship is for a person to have a better understanding of who they are and who they want to be in relation to another. You relating to another person creates the dynamic of contrast giving you the ability to understand yourself better based upon this contrast. It's a beautiful and necessary part of the self-actualization process.

So in the event that you are experiencing the worst in yourself rather than the best and struggling to make the relationship work, maybe it's time to reevaluate your relationship to your bettering half. Maybe it's time to reevaluate how you are relating to them. Are you being a bettering half and are they? Are you still committed to growth or are you committed to holding on? Where do your priorities currently lie? What about your focus? When you and your partners day to day interactions are not longer based upon growth maybe it's time to start readjusting, reevaluating, and/or moving on.

Family Matters

When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. ~George Bernard Shaw

Okay so in the midst of everything that must go on in the world it's impossible to expect anyone and everyone to respect your transitions. Especially your family. Especially the people who believe they have claim on everything that is personal and/or that matters to you. So in the midst of your own personal imbalance your family seems like they need you for anything and everything. Yes, we as a family, the entire (Insert Last Name Here) Clan, are in the midst of a transition. A big one and there is pain and there is disappointment and there is heartache. But at the same time there is joy and growth and comfort. But what is family for? It's to get through these transitions together. Because without them we'd have to get through them by ourselves or not get through them at all. So no matter how inconvenient it may seem when they need you it's a good idea to show up. Because I'm sure they do the same for you and then some.

Moving into Necessary

I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mine and we were talking about the relationships that we would consider recreating. I could feel and hear the pain in her voice when she spoke of the person and how she wished she could have that intimate connection again. She was dealing with regret. Regret for the lose of the relationship and regret for what she believed to be the lose of that love. I can't just call her out alone, because by listening to her I got caught up in some regret of my own.

Yes, this post is definitely about me.

I thought back to a relationship I had a couple years ago and how much I wanted it to work and how much I wanted to show the other person that I loved them. But I couldn't love them the way I wanted to because inside I was hurting. I wanted to scream so often at him "I can't love you when I hate myself." But I think he eventually got the picture, the proof was when I actually did push him enough that he did leave.

I didn't want it to end that way or be that way and it created a rift between us that I still dwell on. But let's revisit that statement: I can't love you when I hate myself. It almost scares me today to recall the downward spiral that my life was taking. No, there was nothing that I was involved in outwardly that was contributing to my unhealthiness. It was my inner doubt, fear, and lack of self-confidence. I wasn't moving forward because I was afraid to move, so instead I moved down, down deep into myself. Being involved with another person made it difficult to work through everything I was encountering in my darkness. So I would come out of it and then plunge back into, on and on, a vicious cycle. But once he wasn't there anymore and once it was clear (although not consciously ideal) I stayed in the darkness and worked through it. I did what was necessary without understanding that it was necessary. I actually spent 2 years fighting doing what was necessary! Because I viewed it as being unnecessary, because I was afraid to let go, because I was determined to resist the natural flow. But once I did let it go and allowed what was becoming to be, I came to the place where I was loving myself. Actively loving myself everyday, boy was it difficult but boy is it worth it. I don't like to think about it, but sometimes I have to remind myself of where I could be if I hadn't made that break. I think about the damage I could have done to myself, to him, to us. I think about the point-of-no-returns that I could have fallen into. I think about the wasted time, emotions, and energy that would have been expelled. Then I take a deep breath, close my eyes, look into me and thank God of where I've arrived. Thank God for where I'm at now and thank God from rescuing me from where I could have been. The gains have definitely outweighed the losses.

I wrote this post to encourage my friend. To encourage all of you who are afraid to do what's necessary. Guidance shows you where to go and what to do, it just takes courage to move into the necessary. The celebration of my journey has replaced my regret. And my self love has replaced the love I felt I lost. I know that I will still think of him from time to time and what I walked away from, but I know my decision will be validated by what I know I'm being prepared for. I'm being prepared for the person to whom I can say: "I can love you because I love myself."