Self Serve

Every relationship, every opportunity you have at relating to another person brings with it a valuable lesson – good or bad. In relating to people we endure the most growth in understanding ourselves and what we hope to experience on this journey. Nowhere is that more true then in our intimate relationships – our romantic relationships and our familial relationships. As 2008 approaches and 2007 comes to a close I feel that one of the most important things I’ve come to understand is that I have to allow people to do what they’re going to anyway or what they want to do. Rather than put myself through unnecessary stress and strain.

Before I have a bunch of people jump on my back, let me clarify. In no other year of my life has self-servitude in people been more evident. I learned that regardless of how much you try to voice your concern, discomfort, or hesitation when a person has a set idea of what they want they will only go with what’s best for you for so long (in most cases) before their altruism runs out. In general there are conditions placed upon love. Rather, limitations placed upon love.

“I love you enough to do X, Y, and Z, but if it makes you uncomfortable and it’s something I want to do, eventually I’ll be doing it.”

Most people have the ability to bypass self-servitude for a period of time, through a few situations, working it out a few times, or just completely giving in to what is the simple solution – not doing what makes the other person uncomfortable. But for only so long, eventually most people will reveal their asses and have you more bothered than you were in the first place. Bothered, because you fell for the charade instead of a workable, tangible solution that was created through compromise (a key component in relationships!) that will perpetuate throughout the tenure of the relationship.

Relationships are about understanding, compromising, and coexisting with another. With that being said, your relationship with yourSelf and this journey called life is about love and the development and understanding of Self. When we enter into these relating-ships, we make a silent agreement with ourselves that part of our journey is going to be influenced by another, the bitter with the sweet. We are separate people, though, with our own agendas, plans, etc. And even when you both are aware of what is required to grow and sustain together, the both of you are going to do (in a sense) what serves you best individually first­. Whether I am a consideration or not, I’ve come to learn how to allow that. This is not a process of being walked over or submissive, because just as they choose so do I. And the level at which I am a factor in the decision making process (considering it is a relationship!) helps me to better define what the relationship is for me. Just because you are given scraps doesn’t mean you have to eat them, especially when you can afford A LOT more. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to throughout this process of relating to others in 2007, people are going to do what they want to do regardless of how you feel, but you don’t have to accept it you just have to have faith in your (deserve)ability to receive what you need/want, even if it’s elsewhere.

I’m realizing daily that maybe I don’t know as much about relationships as I thought I did! So welcome to the rest of this learning process. 2008 is going to be an amazing year, you just wait! – I.D. (Informed Dayna)

If you're not ready.....

.....to be open completely
.....to give as much as you can, as often as you can
.....to grow mentally, spiritually, etc.
.....to let go of your past
.....to forgive
.....to be forgiven
.....to allow for human error
.....to wake up everyday loving life
.....to understand that relationships take work
.....to understand that relationships take sacrifice
.....to understand that relationships take compromise
.....to actively practice unconditionality everyday
.....to give your best everyday
.....to let go of blame to serve a higher purpose
.....to empathize
.....to be the best person that you can be
.....to be challenged
.....to share the intimate details of yourself
.....to be devoted
.....to understand
.....to be understood
.....to put pride on the backburner
.....to expect and support another's greatness
.....to have faith
.....to be a source of inspiration
.....to be loyal
.....to be devoted
.....to be patient
.....to be proactive
.....to submit to love
.....to be honest
.....to hear honesty
.....to trust
.....to be trusted

Than maybe you're not ready for a relationship AKA real-ationship AKA relate-tionship. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship that has a foundation in greatness. I believe that if you are not making yourself available to be all of these things to and for another person then there is work that needs to be done to get you from where you are to where you want to be. I don't believe that this is outside of anybody's realm of possibilities. Some of us just don't want to do it. Some of us just aren't ready for it. Some of us are just too afraid. If it's what you want then make yourself available for it by your readiness to do it. And it will come. :o)

Did I forget anything? Let me know, please and thank-you!

Compelled v. Looking

I am thoroughly amused by the statement: "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." You may say that, but most of the time you really mean, "I'm not interested in a relationship with you, but when the right person comes around then I'll jump." I get it. You're just not into him/her. If that's the case, you might just want to say it then. Or something to the effect of it. Honesty and potential lose is better than inevitable frustration and heartbreak.

Okay, but to the point, most men, I believe, take the compelled route. They aren't making any moves until they see what they want and they generally know what box to put you in within the first 20 minutes of talking to you. Like, "hey she's wifey material," or "she's probably convieniant for a good time." Not that they know for good but they have a general idea quickly whether you have the potential to be nothing, something convenient, or a whole lot more. I'm not saying all men do this, because I do know some that are actively seeking partnership. However there is a vast majority that do. And women seem to do, in general, the opposite. Our approaches seem to be the exact opposite: you can only go down from here, start out as relationship potential (Women) vs. you can only go up from here, start out as nothing to me (Men). A lot of us women (not all) tend to make ourselves always available and open to a relationship. It's like we're always trying to fit the square block into the triangle hole. Some men seem to know exactly what goes in the square space, the're just playing around until they come across the square piece that they KNOW belongs there! While us women are always on the lookout, seeking, opening ourselves up to pieces we know don't belong where we try to put them. And we keep doing it over and over again. Some of us continue to do it until we get it "right." Others just decide to wedge the triangle piece in the circular hole. While still others just get frustrated and decide to stop playing all together and leave unsatisfied.

I think the problem with most of us is that we aren't paying enough attention (or won't pay enough attention) to what we are trying to fill with what pieces. It you have a square hole don't try to fill it with a circular piece, just don't do it! If you know what you want keep going along on your merry way living your life ( playing)until it shows up. Until you SEE it! You don't go looking for it because you'll just end up trying to force it. Know what you want so when it does show up you'll know exactly what to do with it and where it goes. We need to start getting on the same page about what's most important to us, i.e. our relationships. Men aren't for Mars and women aren't from Venus, we're both from Earth and we need to be better to and for each other so we can actually enjoy the experiences of the love in our lives.

Disclaimer: The above statements do not apply to all men and all women. These are just my observations about the majority that I've interacted with.

Every Woman Should Have by Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Defining the Better Half

I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together. Baby, I'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better. - Fabolous ft. Ne-Yo, Make Me Better

I always found it confusing when I've seen (or experienced) relationships where people are struggling to make it work. Not just working hard to make it work, but struggling.. I thought one of the perks of a relationship was being able to do what you do, but better. Why better? Because instead of one person working towards one goal, you have to people working towards a goal. Two people committed to making each other's lives better. Two people committed to love and growth. Two people committed to being a "better" half. Not better in the sense of she/he is a better person than I am, but rather she/he is committed to bettering themselves and me. You make me better, I make you better, or at least that's what we try to do. That's what I mean by better half or bettering half.

In a partner ,beyond the typical standards (honesty, trust, etc.), acceptance is necessary. A close second to acceptance is my partner's commitment to helping me to be a better person and vice versa. In my eyes, one of the purposes of a relationship is for a person to have a better understanding of who they are and who they want to be in relation to another. You relating to another person creates the dynamic of contrast giving you the ability to understand yourself better based upon this contrast. It's a beautiful and necessary part of the self-actualization process.

So in the event that you are experiencing the worst in yourself rather than the best and struggling to make the relationship work, maybe it's time to reevaluate your relationship to your bettering half. Maybe it's time to reevaluate how you are relating to them. Are you being a bettering half and are they? Are you still committed to growth or are you committed to holding on? Where do your priorities currently lie? What about your focus? When you and your partners day to day interactions are not longer based upon growth maybe it's time to start readjusting, reevaluating, and/or moving on.

Family Matters

When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. ~George Bernard Shaw

Okay so in the midst of everything that must go on in the world it's impossible to expect anyone and everyone to respect your transitions. Especially your family. Especially the people who believe they have claim on everything that is personal and/or that matters to you. So in the midst of your own personal imbalance your family seems like they need you for anything and everything. Yes, we as a family, the entire (Insert Last Name Here) Clan, are in the midst of a transition. A big one and there is pain and there is disappointment and there is heartache. But at the same time there is joy and growth and comfort. But what is family for? It's to get through these transitions together. Because without them we'd have to get through them by ourselves or not get through them at all. So no matter how inconvenient it may seem when they need you it's a good idea to show up. Because I'm sure they do the same for you and then some.

Moving into Necessary

I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mine and we were talking about the relationships that we would consider recreating. I could feel and hear the pain in her voice when she spoke of the person and how she wished she could have that intimate connection again. She was dealing with regret. Regret for the lose of the relationship and regret for what she believed to be the lose of that love. I can't just call her out alone, because by listening to her I got caught up in some regret of my own.

Yes, this post is definitely about me.

I thought back to a relationship I had a couple years ago and how much I wanted it to work and how much I wanted to show the other person that I loved them. But I couldn't love them the way I wanted to because inside I was hurting. I wanted to scream so often at him "I can't love you when I hate myself." But I think he eventually got the picture, the proof was when I actually did push him enough that he did leave.

I didn't want it to end that way or be that way and it created a rift between us that I still dwell on. But let's revisit that statement: I can't love you when I hate myself. It almost scares me today to recall the downward spiral that my life was taking. No, there was nothing that I was involved in outwardly that was contributing to my unhealthiness. It was my inner doubt, fear, and lack of self-confidence. I wasn't moving forward because I was afraid to move, so instead I moved down, down deep into myself. Being involved with another person made it difficult to work through everything I was encountering in my darkness. So I would come out of it and then plunge back into, on and on, a vicious cycle. But once he wasn't there anymore and once it was clear (although not consciously ideal) I stayed in the darkness and worked through it. I did what was necessary without understanding that it was necessary. I actually spent 2 years fighting doing what was necessary! Because I viewed it as being unnecessary, because I was afraid to let go, because I was determined to resist the natural flow. But once I did let it go and allowed what was becoming to be, I came to the place where I was loving myself. Actively loving myself everyday, boy was it difficult but boy is it worth it. I don't like to think about it, but sometimes I have to remind myself of where I could be if I hadn't made that break. I think about the damage I could have done to myself, to him, to us. I think about the point-of-no-returns that I could have fallen into. I think about the wasted time, emotions, and energy that would have been expelled. Then I take a deep breath, close my eyes, look into me and thank God of where I've arrived. Thank God for where I'm at now and thank God from rescuing me from where I could have been. The gains have definitely outweighed the losses.

I wrote this post to encourage my friend. To encourage all of you who are afraid to do what's necessary. Guidance shows you where to go and what to do, it just takes courage to move into the necessary. The celebration of my journey has replaced my regret. And my self love has replaced the love I felt I lost. I know that I will still think of him from time to time and what I walked away from, but I know my decision will be validated by what I know I'm being prepared for. I'm being prepared for the person to whom I can say: "I can love you because I love myself."

The Truth...

So I stumbled upon something I put together a couple years ago, while I was redefining myself and in turn what I wanted and expected from a relationship. I noticed how relevant this diagram is to my current situation. I'm trying to cut out all the b.s. and get to what I know a relationship to be. I was always taught that's it's important to get yourself familiar with what you want, so you don't mistake it for something else when it crosses your path. My current state is one of introspection and redefinition. And for me the tail-end of any transitional phase is a new relationship, platonic, romantic, whatever, I'm getting ready to bring new and exciting people into my life. I'd like your opinion, though, on what you think is relevant about this diagram, what you think is inaccurate, or what may need to be added.

If you need a better view of the image click on it:

BlogJacking - For the Ladies

So I'm not one to take what's not mine, I learned that lesson early on in my life. But I just wanted to share an amazing post that I found while surfing the space. I don't necessarily agree with every bullet point but the general idea is completely relevant to my life and I'm sure several of yours. I got to give props to Relle for reposting it.

The post is The Right ONE - Good Read, it is lengthy but take the time to read it, it's a good one!

(Ir)Replaceable?

Are people really replaceable? Did Beyonce get it right in her song? And what are the grounds for replacing a person?

When someone has positively impacted your life they aren't replaceable, period. Argue me down if you want, but it's impossible. When a person has made an effort to improve your life unselfishly they leave an imprint, one that you aren't quick to forget. Can you think back to a time when someone has left your life for a factor beyond your control (moving, death, etc.)? How easy was that person to forget? I'm sure you still remember them and that they are still relevant in your life. When love is a factor and a person has committed themselves to giving you love they leave an imprint because every loving relationship is an example of the Divine loving you through that person. When you are being loved it resonates with your true being (AKA your spiritual self). There is nothing that can rival that feeling and that is why we seek it out time and time again. That is why we seek to connect to people constantly. Even when we are disappointed in our relationships we continue to seek out close bonds between ourselves and others. This is why loving connections are so desirable and irreplaceable. When you disconnect from someone dear to you it is only natural to seek out another to fill the void. However, the void is never truly filled, but we do manage to create another connection which may be comparable. This does not disconnect us, though, from the bond we had previously formed. Loving connections on all levels are irreplaceable and the proof is in all of our experiences.

So what was Beyonce talking about then? Well the woman in the song was dealing with a person that was more of a drain then a contribution to her life. Is that the description of a loving connection? Then she was right, he was replaceable. You can replace something unloving with a loving bond, you can write right over it, and erase the lack with love and unconditionality. Although she will probably never forget the guy, the love that she receives on the next go 'round will replenish what was lacking. She won't forget it not because it is something that she is missing, but because it helped her to realize what she was lacking in the situation - love.

I am offering up a challenge here, for all the people I love and care for, myself included, and all those who will read this post: It's time that we stop wasting our time and energy on relationships that are replaceable, that drain us more than renew us, that are not based upon love. It is time that we devote more of our energy to the irreplaceable relationships in our lives and devote more time to creating more of those bonds with others based upon love.

Thought of the Day(na): At the end of even our darkest day love wins, love always wins. Actively seek it out and you will never lose.

Making deals with the devil...Is it worth it?

How often have you been involved in a situation where it seems like you could have something you want but the wages you must pay aren't worth it? Your happiness may be on the line. You integrity may be on the line. Whatever it is, it's almost synonymous with making a deal with the devil. Putting yourself on the line for something that seems potentially good at the time. Let me give you an example, I had the opportunity to engage in a friendship with a person who by all appearances was a good person, seemed like a fairly win-win situation. I get a good friend, and I get to be a good friend in return, right? Wrong...what wasn't first revealed in this proposition were all the terms and conditions. Yes, terms and conditions in a friendship! Basically, when I actually took a step back and looked at the situation, I would have been compromising myself to have something that wasn't worth that price. So I made the decision to cut ties. I am a God-loving woman and my soul isn't for sale.

I'm working on being a person of integrity everyday. I believe that all great leaders should strive for flawless integrity. Compromising the things that I value most in myself goes against the person I strive to be. I know that any experience worth having and any person worth knowing is only worthwhile through me honoring the person I am. What I saw on the horizon in the situation I described earlier was discomfort from being dishonest with myself and selling myself short. Knowing your worth and what you will and will not settle for are key in situations such as these. Thinking in my right mind from day one, the situation would not have required any hesitation. When someone asks you to compromise yourself, it's time to bounce. Do you know what you are worth? Do you know what you won't stand for? If you can't answer yes to both of these questions, it's time to start evaluating.

How are you going to know what to do when trouble rears its head? To prevent yourself from offering yourself up prematurely, not staying true to your worthiness, and from being taken advantage of its a good idea to take the time to get acquainted with your worth. What is your worth? I can tell you, but it won't matter if you don't know it yourself. You are invaluable, there is not price that can be equated with you. When people ask you to compromise your integrity and self value don't hesitate to show them the door because it shouldn't be for sale. Like I've said in previous posts, the situations and people that are to help you on your path are already lined up and you will not have to sell your soul in the process. Yes, there will always be work that needs to be done, in one form or another, to attain the things you desire, but giving of yourself is not the same as compromising yourself. Know the difference so that when propositions occur you can be clear about which you're being asked for.

Question: What are the qualities you strive for? What are some things that you won't stand for?

Divine Connections - Part II (Platonic Associations)

You know the saying, "Beware of the company you keep"? Who you associate with definitely has affect on you and your path. What implications are there associated with the people you allow in your life? Some might say it's the difference between success and failure. We are very tempted to maintain relationships with people because of history or what we feel we have to gain. Your future is too valuable to just allow anyone to take part in your inner circle. Just because someone is appealing does not mean they should be allowed to be that close, the right people to aid you will be brought to you regardless, don't sell yourself short, do not settle. If you spend all your time associating with the "wrong" people you won't be available when the "right" people come along.

So how does one qualify as the "right" type of person? We each have our own measuring stick, but for me (considering it is my circle) it's about how they respond and relate to me, especially when times aren't perfect. Are they the type of person that laughs at my idiosyncrasies? Or are they the type to get annoyed easily? Are they the type to be open to me unconditionally? Or are they quick to hold back, lie, and judge? Can I act like my eccentric self? Or do I have to walk on eggshells trying to fit into their definition of cool? Are they actively promoting my growth, taking the time out to engage me in my interests? Or is it completely about their agenda and their requirements for our relationship? That's my list, and if I can not answer on the side of what I know to be a positive contribution to my life then I tend to pass on the relationship all together. People who are not actively for you will contaminate your way of being. For those that I am already actively involved with who are not a positive contribution, I have learned to love them from a distance. My inner world is too important to allow anyone to compromise it and seeing how relationships are the basis of 99% of everything in our human experience you must be careful about who you share your life. This goes for all relationships, platonic and otherwise.

So how do you attract the Divine Connections in our friendships, business partnerships, etc? By not settling and being honest with ourselves about that person's capacity for positively contributing to your lives. Take notice of the people who want to help you, not for their benefit, but for yours. Pay attention to the people who actively go out of their way to let you know they care, especially at the times you may not be at your best. Who still shows up? That is you current circle of cheerleaders, fans, BFFs, etc. To attract and allow others who fit into these categories, pay attention when you are interacting with people how they respond to you. Are they eager, interested, and more than helpful? Does it feel easy to interact with them, almost natural, not forced or contrived? Not to say this means you should look to that person/these people to trust with your deepest darkest secrets, but it's a start and who knows it may be another Divine Connection in the making. Know what your requirements are for your inner circle, your standards. It may seem exclusive and it should be, these relationships are the ones that affect your life greatly. Know your requirements, but be open to these people being brought into your life. They are already on their way to you, but you must allow them.

Question: What are your qualifications for your inner circle?

Divine Connections - Part I (Romantic Relationships)

I am convinced that I always have and always will be relationship ready. I'm just one of those types of people that have seemed to always have a relationship and/or want one. Now being a woman in the 21st century, a time when equal access and independence should be at the top of my list, I have often been criticized for being "insecure" and "afraid to be alone." At first when the responses came about I questioned myself (yes, I did) but I soon came to realize that my security (or lack thereof) was independent of my fondness of relationship. I am a chronic giver and I like making people I love happy and I love the dynamic a relationship creates that allows me to do what I do and like to do best.

However, I think overtime I've sold myself short with my romantic relationships. So what is the difference between what I've experienced in the past and what I've ultimately desired and fell short of? A Divine Connection (AKA, a true level of compatibility, based on the desire for mutual support, trust, and love). I was flipping TV channels the other night and came across a Joel Osteen presentation. I paused when I noticed the title - Divine Connections. I was intrigued by the title and the relevance to my current situation (newly single). Joel basically broke it down into two points that resonated with me: 1) when a door closes and/or will not open it is God protecting you, 2) God already has the right people lined up to help you match up with your desires if you would allow it.

Spiritual overtones aside, why do we fear what we'll be left with once a door closes? Is there some understanding of lack that we've come to accept? And if the person was really "right"/"good" for you why are they not in their previous position anymore? Generally people leave because they need to, they need to free up a space in your life so that there is a place for growth and/or room to attract another/others who will aid you growth. Love is not disappointment, doubt, anger, pain, or fear, so when someone/something shows up in your life displaying one or more of these attributes in the name of love it's time to start looking for the doorknob! Sometimes it's not so loud, or as Joel calls it, "it is a still, small voice." Either way you are being directed away from a relationship that contradicts the Divine Connections that are in store for you. Let that door stay shut! Forcing it open/propping it open is only going to give you more of what you don't want - heartache.

Why does it always seem when you're not looking for relationships you seem to stumble upon one? Coincidence? I think not. There is no such thing, it's more like synchronicity. You were so busy not worrying about a relationship that you did not impeded what was directly lined up for you. A faithful person knows that the people who are to help you desires come into fruition are already lined up. If we loosen our hold of the reigns we can allow what is being given to us, otherwise we'll continue to block it. It's difficult to engage in the relationships we desire when we are currently involved (physically and/or emotionally) in relationships that do not aid our growth. So what's the answer? It's time to clean house. Free up some space for your growth and for the people who will aid it, romantic and otherwise.

Question: In what ways do you actively promote Divine Connections in your life?