Self Serve

Every relationship, every opportunity you have at relating to another person brings with it a valuable lesson – good or bad. In relating to people we endure the most growth in understanding ourselves and what we hope to experience on this journey. Nowhere is that more true then in our intimate relationships – our romantic relationships and our familial relationships. As 2008 approaches and 2007 comes to a close I feel that one of the most important things I’ve come to understand is that I have to allow people to do what they’re going to anyway or what they want to do. Rather than put myself through unnecessary stress and strain.

Before I have a bunch of people jump on my back, let me clarify. In no other year of my life has self-servitude in people been more evident. I learned that regardless of how much you try to voice your concern, discomfort, or hesitation when a person has a set idea of what they want they will only go with what’s best for you for so long (in most cases) before their altruism runs out. In general there are conditions placed upon love. Rather, limitations placed upon love.

“I love you enough to do X, Y, and Z, but if it makes you uncomfortable and it’s something I want to do, eventually I’ll be doing it.”

Most people have the ability to bypass self-servitude for a period of time, through a few situations, working it out a few times, or just completely giving in to what is the simple solution – not doing what makes the other person uncomfortable. But for only so long, eventually most people will reveal their asses and have you more bothered than you were in the first place. Bothered, because you fell for the charade instead of a workable, tangible solution that was created through compromise (a key component in relationships!) that will perpetuate throughout the tenure of the relationship.

Relationships are about understanding, compromising, and coexisting with another. With that being said, your relationship with yourSelf and this journey called life is about love and the development and understanding of Self. When we enter into these relating-ships, we make a silent agreement with ourselves that part of our journey is going to be influenced by another, the bitter with the sweet. We are separate people, though, with our own agendas, plans, etc. And even when you both are aware of what is required to grow and sustain together, the both of you are going to do (in a sense) what serves you best individually first­. Whether I am a consideration or not, I’ve come to learn how to allow that. This is not a process of being walked over or submissive, because just as they choose so do I. And the level at which I am a factor in the decision making process (considering it is a relationship!) helps me to better define what the relationship is for me. Just because you are given scraps doesn’t mean you have to eat them, especially when you can afford A LOT more. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to throughout this process of relating to others in 2007, people are going to do what they want to do regardless of how you feel, but you don’t have to accept it you just have to have faith in your (deserve)ability to receive what you need/want, even if it’s elsewhere.

I’m realizing daily that maybe I don’t know as much about relationships as I thought I did! So welcome to the rest of this learning process. 2008 is going to be an amazing year, you just wait! – I.D. (Informed Dayna)

If you're not ready.....

.....to be open completely
.....to give as much as you can, as often as you can
.....to grow mentally, spiritually, etc.
.....to let go of your past
.....to forgive
.....to be forgiven
.....to allow for human error
.....to wake up everyday loving life
.....to understand that relationships take work
.....to understand that relationships take sacrifice
.....to understand that relationships take compromise
.....to actively practice unconditionality everyday
.....to give your best everyday
.....to let go of blame to serve a higher purpose
.....to empathize
.....to be the best person that you can be
.....to be challenged
.....to share the intimate details of yourself
.....to be devoted
.....to understand
.....to be understood
.....to put pride on the backburner
.....to expect and support another's greatness
.....to have faith
.....to be a source of inspiration
.....to be loyal
.....to be devoted
.....to be patient
.....to be proactive
.....to submit to love
.....to be honest
.....to hear honesty
.....to trust
.....to be trusted

Than maybe you're not ready for a relationship AKA real-ationship AKA relate-tionship. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship that has a foundation in greatness. I believe that if you are not making yourself available to be all of these things to and for another person then there is work that needs to be done to get you from where you are to where you want to be. I don't believe that this is outside of anybody's realm of possibilities. Some of us just don't want to do it. Some of us just aren't ready for it. Some of us are just too afraid. If it's what you want then make yourself available for it by your readiness to do it. And it will come. :o)

Did I forget anything? Let me know, please and thank-you!

Compelled v. Looking

I am thoroughly amused by the statement: "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." You may say that, but most of the time you really mean, "I'm not interested in a relationship with you, but when the right person comes around then I'll jump." I get it. You're just not into him/her. If that's the case, you might just want to say it then. Or something to the effect of it. Honesty and potential lose is better than inevitable frustration and heartbreak.

Okay, but to the point, most men, I believe, take the compelled route. They aren't making any moves until they see what they want and they generally know what box to put you in within the first 20 minutes of talking to you. Like, "hey she's wifey material," or "she's probably convieniant for a good time." Not that they know for good but they have a general idea quickly whether you have the potential to be nothing, something convenient, or a whole lot more. I'm not saying all men do this, because I do know some that are actively seeking partnership. However there is a vast majority that do. And women seem to do, in general, the opposite. Our approaches seem to be the exact opposite: you can only go down from here, start out as relationship potential (Women) vs. you can only go up from here, start out as nothing to me (Men). A lot of us women (not all) tend to make ourselves always available and open to a relationship. It's like we're always trying to fit the square block into the triangle hole. Some men seem to know exactly what goes in the square space, the're just playing around until they come across the square piece that they KNOW belongs there! While us women are always on the lookout, seeking, opening ourselves up to pieces we know don't belong where we try to put them. And we keep doing it over and over again. Some of us continue to do it until we get it "right." Others just decide to wedge the triangle piece in the circular hole. While still others just get frustrated and decide to stop playing all together and leave unsatisfied.

I think the problem with most of us is that we aren't paying enough attention (or won't pay enough attention) to what we are trying to fill with what pieces. It you have a square hole don't try to fill it with a circular piece, just don't do it! If you know what you want keep going along on your merry way living your life ( playing)until it shows up. Until you SEE it! You don't go looking for it because you'll just end up trying to force it. Know what you want so when it does show up you'll know exactly what to do with it and where it goes. We need to start getting on the same page about what's most important to us, i.e. our relationships. Men aren't for Mars and women aren't from Venus, we're both from Earth and we need to be better to and for each other so we can actually enjoy the experiences of the love in our lives.

Disclaimer: The above statements do not apply to all men and all women. These are just my observations about the majority that I've interacted with.

Every Woman Should Have by Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Quote of the Moment

Be careful of the company you keep. I'm working on attracting and making myself available to people who can help me grow and who I can help to grow. Meditate on this for a moment and think about the people who are in your life. Are they adding to your growth or taking away from it? And if the later is true what do you plan on doing about it?

"One thing I've learned is that it is important to surround yourself with the kind of people you aspire to be. If you hang around with deadbeats and pessimists, you'll end up with a negative view of the world." - Tom Kelley

I'm choosing to have a positive view of the world and hopefully you will too. Enjoy!

Problem Child

Have you ever been in a public place and witnessed a child act out. What I mean is: have you ever witnessed a child lose their mind and react in a way that most of us would have met our maker over. I often times wonder what can be going on at home and within the family dynamic that would allow (yes, allow) a child to carry on that way, in public nevertheless. The more I thought about it I came to understand that the outside reaction is just a response to the real problem - whatever issues are going on on the inside. So being a responsible parent what would you do? Would you ring your child's neck? Would you allow them to cut up and walk off, mouthing to passerbyers "Who's child is that?"? Or would you just pick up your child and leave? My real question is this: even if you are prepared to deal with the outbursts, do you recognize that it's the result of a bigger problem? I think this question is relevant to all people, because it helps us to recognize when we are dealing with people who are less than agreeable that we are only dealing with a reaction to the real problem. When we encounter people who interact with others in a disagreeable fashion we must remind ourselves that we're not dealing with their problem with us, we're dealing with their problem with themselves. Generally, people who are highly critical of others are 10x more critical of themselves. People who are doubtful of others are 10x more doubtful of themselves. Etc, etc. You get the point. This post is about how to UNDERSTAND so that you can deal with them should you encounter them in your day-to-day activities. Our job is not to point out what's "wrong" with them, because trust me they've already beat us to it. Our job is to recognize that there is a bigger problem at hand and not add fuel to the fire by making them aware of what their issues are. Because like I said, they already know and they knew it before you did. There are two tools that when practiced help deal with this situation with ease: acceptance and patience. Yep, acceptance. Why, oh why would you want to accept someone that may be in your face, mouthing off, having grown-up temper-tantrums, or all of the above? Especially when you understand they aren't accepting themselves. Because it helps you to deal with a situation you'd rather not deal with and move through it, and at the same time not aggravate the situation. It eases things AND moves them along for you. And yes, patience. Why patience, because without it you're liable to do something, or say something that will make the situation more disagreeable. Just like dealing with an aggravated child. Since you are the more knowledgeable party, you are the most responsible. So act out of that responsibility. And remember: the outward action is only a reaction to an internal problem.

Bad Dayna

Okay, I've experienced some mean people in my day (read: buttheads) and I have responded in like in the past. If you were a meany, then I was going to be a meany. Relevant to the post below. So I thought about why do I keep attracting meanies? Quite possibly because I took the time to demonstrate I could be a meany back. But thank you God, I know their purpose in my life and how to keep the meanies at bay. Their purpose is to show me how not to act! *leap for joy* Wow, it only took me 24 years to figure that one out. Yes, there are examples everyday of people and things that I believe aren't for me, but the beauty of it is I get to grow as a result of these encounters. I get to choose how I want to be! Yep, I get to say "Well, that's not nice and it's not for me, I'll be moving on now." I get to walk away, I get to enjoy the rest of my day! I know that sounds corny and sounds too easy and who would want to actually think that? But the amazing part about it is that I feel so much better, when I choose that instead of getting upset and acting out of my upset-ness. So from now on I'm Miss Thank-you-but-no-thank-you-I'll-be-on-my-way-now. And I expect, as I'm becoming more disciplined, you'll see Bad Dayna less and less.

Question: How do you deal with the meanies? (Yes, I still use the word meany!)

Two wrongs = even, or does it?

I once heard someone say in response to "two wrongs don't make a right":

Two wrongs may not make a right, but it sure does make it even!

Even? Hmmmm.... Vindication, making things even, giving someone there just do.... Does it really make it even?

I've never been that "good" at retaliating. Not because I'm not creative enough, and not because I can't get back at someone with the effort that I feel I was wronged with. But because I know that no matter what I do outwardly, the feeling of being wronged stems from an internal issue. I've just been reminded of what that internal issue is and that's why I'm bothered. Trust me, I'm creative, I have great ideas and sometimes (read: a lot of times) I feel better when I think of the things I could do in return. I giggle to myself, sometimes I all out crack up, especially at myself for some of the ridiculous schemes I think up. But that's as far as it goes, only thoughts. Why only thoughts and not actions? Shouldn't I have every right to take into my own hands actions which balance the equation? If my goal in relating to other people is manipulation and maintaining my power over another person, then yes. If I feel like my way is the only right and proper way, then yes. If I feel that my ideas and understandings are the only absolute truth, then yes. But I understand, as equal participants in life, that we are all here to interact with each other for the purpose of growth. It goes against the person I am growing to be if I stoop to the level of retaliation.

When I get upset when I feel wronged, 9 times out of 10, it's because of the idea of a person being mean to another just because they can. If I responded in like I would be doing the exact same thing, for the exact same reason, regardless of how justified I feel. Just because I can. I used to be bothered by the fact that I didn't seek retribution, but I now know that it's not about doing something back to prove myself. I can only be me and having nothing to prove makes me feel good.

So why do people retaliate? I think most people do it to balance the power. When people feel powerless, they tend to do things outwardly (instead of internally) to demonstrate to themselves and others that they are powerful. They have something to prove: they don't want others to feel they can hold power over them. So retaliation seems like a good option, heck they have reason to do it (at least they believe they do). Since someone took the time to remind them of how powerless they feel on the inside, who better to "prove" their power to?

So in fact, two wrongs don't make things even. No matter how good you may feel in the moment, as a result of vindication, the feeling of powerless will not go away because of the outward action. And there will be constant reminders, especially when you feel you've been wronged. Yes, you are responsible for making things even, but not out of a resulting outward action, but from inner work on you. If you seek to get rid of the powerlessness that causes you to seek vindication start on the inside. The outward display won't then be necessary and then things will truly be even.

The Reasons

If they keep giving you reasons to leave. If you can list why you should go and have them numbered one through ten. If the losses substantially outweigh the gains, its time to move on. Whether it's a job, an affiliation, a relationship, or a place, get about the business of moving when you are being tugged. You are being tugged for a reason! You might wake up one day to find it gone, but not on your terms and quite possibly harbor the regret of not having done the leaving first. Do not take the signs lightly, you're being tugged in another direction and whether you do the leaving or the leaving gets done to you, its time to move forward. When you make the choice to seek something that is more fulfilling for your soul's journey God will show you the way. All you need is enough faith to allow yourself to follow the direction you're being led. Every step of the way God will be there. So get ready.....

Game recognize game.....

.....and you're looking kinda unfamiliar right now. I love that line from the Boondocks. I'm not sure Riley has spoken any greater truth. How would you recognize something that is completely unfamiliar to you? You recognize things that are inherit in yourself, things that you have taken the time to familiarize yourself with, and/or are a part of you. Remember the saying "No one will treat you better than you treat yourself"? I'd like to add something to that: in the event that someone did, you wouldn't be able to appreciate it, because you wouldn't recognize what they are doing. So here's the whole thing:

No one will treat you better than you treat yourself and if they do you won't be able to appreciate it.

In all honesty that applies to so many other things, no one will love you if you don't love yourself. No one will value you if you don't value yourself. When you think about it, how would you be able to recognize it unless you've experienced it first hand?

To recognize is to re-cognize and to re-familiarize. Unless you allow yourself the respect, love, treatment, and patience of yourself, you'll have a hard time receiving it (or recognizing it for that matter) from another person. Treating yourself in the best way possible, actually accepting the person that you are and loving that person leaves no room for anything less when dealing with other people. When you give yourself the most that you can it allows you to recognize and appreciate when someone respects you at the level you deserve. There becomes a shift in what is familiar and what is unfamiliar. You are then more open to welcome and accept the respect, while keeping yourself unfamiliar with what and who conflicts with your self-respect. It is habitual for most people to welcome and accept the familiar and keep what is unfamiliar at a distance. Why not become familiar with your own self-love and self-respect, that way you won't have to worry about someone else defining what you deserve?

I am taking the time to get acquainted with the person that I have grown to be. I am taking the time to trust myself and love myself unconditionally. The people who I choose to share my life with are reaping the benefits (I hope) of me growing from this elevated place. That way not only do I recognize their respect and love for me, I also appreciate it. Not long ago, though, I was in a place where I couldn't. Thank you God for my growth.

Take the time to sit down and make a list of the ways you can treat yourself better. I'll share my list with you:

How to treat myself in the best way possible

1. Stop being so hard on myself
2. Accept myself, as I am, without condition
3. Take the time to spend time with myself, by myself
4. Commit myself to doing things for myself, that I enjoy
5. Instead of pointing out my flaws, take the time to pay attention to the things that I love about myself
6. Accept compliments
7. Dance whenever I get the chance
8. Keep promises I make to myself
9. Spend time with friends that I have a great time with
10. Make myself a priority and not allow myself to be pulled in all different directions

Enjoy! Please share with me any of the ways you take the time to treat yourself the best way possible, I'm always looking for suggestions!

(In)Security

What does it mean to be secure, what is meant by being in security? I stole this definition of Security v. (In)security from Change Addicts:

So here is the issue, insecurity comes when we derive our success and our existence by our ability to interpret the rules in front of us and feel that we are secure. It is following the law for fear of its consequences instead of following it in the faith of its outcomes.

We are (in)secure when we are abiding by what seems to be the standard rule, or the methods of how things should be. Who defines what those rules are? And are we inherently neglecting our faith when we take the path that has been well traveled? Are we being creative or are we being reactive? As an example, what happens when I look at myself in the mirror and I critique the bags under my eyes and the softness around my waist? What rules does that result from? How does that play into the above definition of insecurity? Well I guess a good questions would be, what standards of beauty am I comparing my under-eye bags and slight pudginess in my waistline to? It didn't come from the sky, I didn't just create the insecurity on my own. I did opt into the standard, though. And even though their aren't blatant displays of what the rules are, there are plenty of places that reinforce the fact that in someone's opinion, in the midst of mass consciousness, I'm not good enough. Not that it really matters, I feel thankful for the battle scars that are the attention I pay to my minor flaws (yes I believe them to be minor). I've walked away less battered than most. There are other young women who are walking around everyday coming to pieces because of their insecurities. So how do I become in secure, rather than insecure? The comparison, the standards that are set, make us actually believe that their is a possibility that God made a mistake. Maybe God forgot something in the process when it came to me. Maybe, just maybe someone else has the authority to tell me what is wrong with me and what beauty and completion really is. I want to let you in on a little secret......we've been lied to. You were and are created in God's flawless image. There is no absolute definition of what beauty is or what's right. We are making this up as we go along, creating what our ideas of the things that we desire and the things that we don't. You get to choose and you get to choose what and what not to listen to. Unfortunately their are many people, just like you, who allow someone else to define what the standards are for them. Do you want the power of security? It first starts with you taking the power to make the decisions about what you like and/or are attracted to for yourself, without regard to the opinions of everyone else. Many people would think that it was impossible, but it's not. It doesn't require you to ignore what they think, but it's your responsibility and right to allow yourself to choose what is for you and what's not for you based upon what is before you. Stop being a zombie, or someone else's drone. If you like it, cool, if you don't, cool. Stop allowing other people to inform your security. Allow the Divine to be your guide, that is the only absolute truth. Deprogramming is probably one of the most difficult undertakes somebody can do, but it's still more than possible and it gives you the benefit of security in yourGod, yourSelf, your decisions and FREEDOM.

TrueToYourself Inc.

Okay, so a friend of mine, Saron, wrote this amazing article about his passion (hip-hop) titled Hip Hop? Not in my Office!. The article details his concern for being true to his passion while entering Corporate America. How do you serve your creativity and still manage to pay the bills? I feel like we, more than any other generation, are struggling with this issue. I think that our parents made the choice that seemed to serve a higher good - be responsible, choose job security. Thus sacrificing their creative drive (for those that had it). It wasn't an easy choice, but they made it.

After reading Saron's article I thought to myself "How could one serve another by denying their own creative interest?". And came up with the only answer I could think of - they can't. Whatever it is that is your passion, whatever drives you, whatever you wake up mornings excited about and go to sleep evenings dreaming about - let that be the defining factor in what you do. You will not serve anyone, especially not yourself, by denying your passion and creative interests. Why do it then? Why does it happen? Is it harder to do the things we feel we "need" to do and defer (or deny) the things we have a desire to do? Or is it harder to take the risk to do what you desire and have a passion for and not concern yourself with the perceived "need"? And what is really defined as a need?

Well, in my opinion, my defined needs are doing the things that drive me, the things that give me purpose and a sense of accomplishment. However, if you ask certain people (i.e., my parents) my defined needs are the things that allow me to be independent and pay the bills. I believe, through fear, we lead ourselves to believe that we cannot be well supported by our passions, especially those of us who have a passion outside of what drives Corporate America. I also believe that the two ideas of what my defined needs are should not be in conflict. But there is priority. My passion should bring me prosperity, and I expect it to. When lined up with my purpose, it will. I don't believe that what you have a passion and purpose for should conflict with what you have a need to do. In fact, I know they are directly in line with each other. Once put into practice, it makes the act of doing what is needed easier, because it doesn't deny what you have a desire to do. It takes integrity and dedication to get to that point for those of us who aren't there currently, but it's well worth the effort.

So I'm going to get started on putting it in practice, because I'm worth it. I am also ready to help anyone else whose ready to get started as well. And I'm all about helping Awesomeness Inc. get underway, and if you don't know what I'm talking about you need to read the article!

Question: Do you think it's possible to do what you're passionate about and gain prosperity from that? Or will it have to be something you do on the side and after your 9-5?

It's not you...it's me, really!

Okay this post is not what you think it's about, sorry! But maybe I'll address that in another post on another day. Anywho, this post is about people who take things to dang-on personal. Yep, you know you do it, yes I know I do it, but this is for the extremists, the nosy friends, and the I'm-not-lookin-at-your-page-but-I-really-am-to-see-if-you're-talkin-bout-me'ers. Yeah, you know you who are, and this post is definitely about you! So what spawned so much aggression from little Dayna Nicole AKA Sunshine? I've had a couple comments about my posts (I know you feel me on this Relle) about the tone of my posts (posts which I thought were somewhat inspirational - I tried!) and the inspiration behind said posts (namely a few people, past and present). So I decided to respond in one simple and short synopsis (which this may or may not end up being).

This is a public service announcement:

My life doesn't revolve around people, it revolves around me!

What I love, who I love, what I love to do, and the love I have for myGod, mySelf and my life (or momentary lapses of sanity when just the opposite exists). Yes, there is inspiration from everywhere, and there have been recent events in my life that would seem to spawn my creativity. Yes, some of the best love songs, poetry, and art (to name a few things) has been birthed from a tortured soul, someone falling in love, someone falling out of love. But baby, this isn't a love song and I'm not Luther.

So where does your inspiration come from then Dayna? I have friends and I watch TV, I have a love life, and I have had a past, I will have a future, I do have relatives, and oh, maybe quite possibly, I have a brain. I read books, I take walks, I love men, women too, I love my dog and I love my parents. So lets add them up should we, I have just listed 13 or so factors and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I write because I think, and I get to choose what I think about (thank God), I think that's the best out of them all.

I also write because I'm hoping my thoughts help someone somewhere to become inspired. Inspired to do what Dayna? Inspired to do whatever! Write themselves if they think they have something better to say then me! Leave a negative relationship. Eat some good food. Get their behinds off the couch and make something more of their lives. Run around the block. Pick up a new book. Wash their hair. Comment on my blog. Listen to a song, whatever! I'd like to inspire people to lead great lives and inspire myself to lead a better one as well. Hell, I'm selfish, this is about me and I hope and pray that everyone who reads what I write benefits from it greatly. Now, are there anymore questions?

Okay I just needed to vent, back to flowers, pixie dust, and my curls! Take it with a grain of salt and please don't take it personal! It's all LOVE!

Question: Why do you think people take things so personal, when it clearly has nothing to do with them?

The Right Place

Have you ever been in a place of sheer joy in anticipation. Remember what it was like to be 8 years old and anticipating your birthday. You're pretty sure about what you're getting, and you're ready to start counting down:

I'll be 9 in 6 days, 15 hours, and 53 minutes....

I'll be 9 in 5 days, 3 hours, and 4 minutes....

I'll be 9 in 1 day, 2 hours, and 37 minutes....

You know it's coming and you know it's good. There is nothing coming in between you and the joy you are expecting. There is joy in expecting! When was the last time you had joy in expecting something? Was it when you were 8? Not just happy or satisfied, but completely elated and overtaken by the idea of something advantageous coming your way. When I'm in line with my blessings and anticipate them so much I can feel it and just about how far away it is, I get joy in expecting.

I am happy about the prospect of getting what I want and I go into a phase akin to what expectant mothers go through - nesting. I actually prepare myself and my environment for my blessing! It's not even a conscious act, I've just now noticed it. But it only happens when I have joy in anticipating what I want. I noticed another thing: when I'm bummed out, upset, feeling awful I couldn't attract (or enjoy for that matter) something great.

So what does this have to do with allowing your blessings?

It is one of my prerequisites for being in line with my blessings - having joy in expecting.

So what does it take to be in line with blessings?

For me, in addition to having joy in expecting, there are other requirements:

1) Where Am I? - I need to know where I am (analyze my current situation, I have to know where I am to know how to get to where I want to be)

2) Seek Help - I gather everyone I know that will aid me through advice, encouragement, and the resources to help me be in line with my blessings and/or help my blessings come to pass. I'm also sure to avoid people who tend to add negativity to my situation.

3) Getting My Mind Right - I keep myself thinking about what I'm anticipating, I keep myself in love with what I'm anticipating. I keep reminders where I can see them. And by all means I keep my attention off the lack of my blessings. I know that it's coming - I feel it coming.

4) Get About Doing! - If I know the steps that I need to take, I get about doing them. If I don't know or it isn't completely clear, I am about the business of doing what feels good and focusing on what's great in my life. Sooner, rather than later, I know I'll be shown the way.

I think a lot of the time most of us know what to do, we just tend to get caught up in the routine of our current life. Start small, if there are 100 steps, start and focus on the first ten and most importantly the first one. Do your best to get and stay in your place of blessing, you know when you're not there, don't you? So do everything in your power to get there, and let the Divine take care of the rest. Be focused, be of single purpose and of sound mind, you're on your way!

Question: What do you do to get yourself in line with what you desire? How do you feel when you're on path/in the right place?

BlogJacking - For the Ladies

So I'm not one to take what's not mine, I learned that lesson early on in my life. But I just wanted to share an amazing post that I found while surfing the space. I don't necessarily agree with every bullet point but the general idea is completely relevant to my life and I'm sure several of yours. I got to give props to Relle for reposting it.

The post is The Right ONE - Good Read, it is lengthy but take the time to read it, it's a good one!

(Ir)Replaceable?

Are people really replaceable? Did Beyonce get it right in her song? And what are the grounds for replacing a person?

When someone has positively impacted your life they aren't replaceable, period. Argue me down if you want, but it's impossible. When a person has made an effort to improve your life unselfishly they leave an imprint, one that you aren't quick to forget. Can you think back to a time when someone has left your life for a factor beyond your control (moving, death, etc.)? How easy was that person to forget? I'm sure you still remember them and that they are still relevant in your life. When love is a factor and a person has committed themselves to giving you love they leave an imprint because every loving relationship is an example of the Divine loving you through that person. When you are being loved it resonates with your true being (AKA your spiritual self). There is nothing that can rival that feeling and that is why we seek it out time and time again. That is why we seek to connect to people constantly. Even when we are disappointed in our relationships we continue to seek out close bonds between ourselves and others. This is why loving connections are so desirable and irreplaceable. When you disconnect from someone dear to you it is only natural to seek out another to fill the void. However, the void is never truly filled, but we do manage to create another connection which may be comparable. This does not disconnect us, though, from the bond we had previously formed. Loving connections on all levels are irreplaceable and the proof is in all of our experiences.

So what was Beyonce talking about then? Well the woman in the song was dealing with a person that was more of a drain then a contribution to her life. Is that the description of a loving connection? Then she was right, he was replaceable. You can replace something unloving with a loving bond, you can write right over it, and erase the lack with love and unconditionality. Although she will probably never forget the guy, the love that she receives on the next go 'round will replenish what was lacking. She won't forget it not because it is something that she is missing, but because it helped her to realize what she was lacking in the situation - love.

I am offering up a challenge here, for all the people I love and care for, myself included, and all those who will read this post: It's time that we stop wasting our time and energy on relationships that are replaceable, that drain us more than renew us, that are not based upon love. It is time that we devote more of our energy to the irreplaceable relationships in our lives and devote more time to creating more of those bonds with others based upon love.

Thought of the Day(na): At the end of even our darkest day love wins, love always wins. Actively seek it out and you will never lose.

Oh, Baby!

I am reading this book called "Baby Love," it documents Rebecca Walker's (Alice Walker's daughter's) journey through her first pregnancy at 34. The book is so moving because it details the uncertainties she's facing as her mother's daughter, and as an independent, feminist in the 21st century. She battles many of the issues me and my peers are confronting: independence, self-autonomy, success, and freedom. I have yet to finish it, but I would recommend it to my female peers, especially those concerned with having it all, self-sacrifice, etc. I am not quick to put myself out there, but when I was reading the book I literally cried on every other page. Why? Because it made me realize just how much I want to have a child. It hit me like a 2 ton of bricks, right out of left field, and it took over me akin to an insatiable hunger (and any other cliches you can think of). WTF, why do I want to have a child!?! And what would I do with one? The more I tried to explain the urge away, the worse the urge got, the worse it got, the more emotional I became. Hormonal, instinctual, call it what you will, it's here to stay. It's almost akin to explaining away hunger:

Why are you hungry?
Because I want food.
Why do you want food?
Because you're hungry.

Why do you want a baby?
Because I have the urge.
Why do you have the urge?
Because I want a baby.

No explaining away here. If my mother ever reads this she's going to think I've gone mad, the more I think about it the more I think I have gone mad! No, I'm not looking to have a baby right now, I do have a rational side to me. I'm 24, soon to be unemployed (don't ask), and I don't even have my car in my own name. Trust me I am not becoming pregnant anytime soon, not to mention there are no prospects on the horizon to do the impregnating. And no I am not looking for volunteers! There are certain milestones that need to be surmounted before I can even entertain the idea, but I have been completely overtaken by the idea.

So I didn't start this post to be about my infatuation with my unconceived child, I want this to be about this fear of being unable to "have it all" (whatever that means) that so many of my peers are dealing with. Is it possible to be independent women, cater to ourselves and our goals, and still manage to have a family one day? I have friends at both extremes, either they have deferred their dreams to raise their children or they have put relationships and/or the potential of marriage, children, etc. on the back-burner to focus on their career and their dreams. So my questions is, is balance possible? Can I be a young woman devoted to myself, my career, manage a successful relationship that leads to marriage and possibly start a family, all the while maintaining my self-autonomy and freedom. Wow, that sounds like a lot to ask for! For me, the whole having the relationship thing is not an issue, the problem is having a partner who will actively engage in a partnership. If I want the man, the career, mySelf, and the kids, the balance of the family starts with a willing and able partner. That's why I'm single now, I've had more than my fair share of willing partners, it's just the able part that gets tricky. I think most women aren't looking for a man to pay our bills and support us financially, most of us are looking for support in our daily lives, someone that will help us get through our days. We're looking for our best friend, our life partner, our reflection, the yin to our yang. Understanding I have someone that will help me clean up when the ish hits the fan would take the pressure off as far as willing and able. I need someone that's ride or die. Maybe it's not so much about an able partner, maybe it's about how I'm growing to be an able partner for someone else. At the end of the day I can only do my best and have faith that just as I'm preparing myself, someone somewhere is getting ready for me too. So you better watch out, I am going to have it all. And even though I don't have many examples to go off of, I can lead the way. But for now I won't be picking out baby names, but I will get excited about it one day being on the horizon.

Question: What is your definition of having it all?

Making deals with the devil...Is it worth it?

How often have you been involved in a situation where it seems like you could have something you want but the wages you must pay aren't worth it? Your happiness may be on the line. You integrity may be on the line. Whatever it is, it's almost synonymous with making a deal with the devil. Putting yourself on the line for something that seems potentially good at the time. Let me give you an example, I had the opportunity to engage in a friendship with a person who by all appearances was a good person, seemed like a fairly win-win situation. I get a good friend, and I get to be a good friend in return, right? Wrong...what wasn't first revealed in this proposition were all the terms and conditions. Yes, terms and conditions in a friendship! Basically, when I actually took a step back and looked at the situation, I would have been compromising myself to have something that wasn't worth that price. So I made the decision to cut ties. I am a God-loving woman and my soul isn't for sale.

I'm working on being a person of integrity everyday. I believe that all great leaders should strive for flawless integrity. Compromising the things that I value most in myself goes against the person I strive to be. I know that any experience worth having and any person worth knowing is only worthwhile through me honoring the person I am. What I saw on the horizon in the situation I described earlier was discomfort from being dishonest with myself and selling myself short. Knowing your worth and what you will and will not settle for are key in situations such as these. Thinking in my right mind from day one, the situation would not have required any hesitation. When someone asks you to compromise yourself, it's time to bounce. Do you know what you are worth? Do you know what you won't stand for? If you can't answer yes to both of these questions, it's time to start evaluating.

How are you going to know what to do when trouble rears its head? To prevent yourself from offering yourself up prematurely, not staying true to your worthiness, and from being taken advantage of its a good idea to take the time to get acquainted with your worth. What is your worth? I can tell you, but it won't matter if you don't know it yourself. You are invaluable, there is not price that can be equated with you. When people ask you to compromise your integrity and self value don't hesitate to show them the door because it shouldn't be for sale. Like I've said in previous posts, the situations and people that are to help you on your path are already lined up and you will not have to sell your soul in the process. Yes, there will always be work that needs to be done, in one form or another, to attain the things you desire, but giving of yourself is not the same as compromising yourself. Know the difference so that when propositions occur you can be clear about which you're being asked for.

Question: What are the qualities you strive for? What are some things that you won't stand for?

The Good, the Bad, and the Great....

We spend so much time anticipating the good and the moment we get it we start to wait for the bad things to occur. I'm not saying this includes all people, and for all I know it doesn't include you, but I'm sure you've experienced this at one point or another in your life - doubt, an inherit characteristic of our human experience. From a very young age most of us were exposed to the "if it's too good to be true..." lessons of life. So naturally we have a tendency to be suspicious when things seem to be going well. We are waiting for some shoes to start dropping. Does anyone ever wonder just how much the actual act of doubting contributes to our disappointments? Don't get me wrong, the simple act of thinking "happy" thoughts won't prevent what is coming, but not doubting won't accelerate it. How often does it help to doubt when a situation is going bad? How about never. I have never known a situation to be aided when doubt was involved. So maybe it's a good idea not to include it when things are going well.

Personally, I pray for the "to good to be true..." moments. I want things, situations, and people in my life that are so amazing it almost seems unreal. And I usually get them. Why don't they occur consistently and constantly? One word - DOUBT. I sometimes doubt away great things, situations, and people in my life. It's never hard for me to attract them, but keeping them is another exercise altogether. It requires me to go against an almost quarter century of programming. Taught not just through words, but also by the actions of my relatives and peers. There is a not so subtle message being delivered - if and when you get what you want, if it's too easy, amazing, or too much you better watch out because it's either not yours to keep or something bad is about to occur. Sounds a little much? You don't know any people in your world that delivers that message? Well congratulations, can I live in your world? It may sound dismal and a little depressing, but I'm detailing the events of my past and many situations I still see taking place in many people's lives. I'm tired of seeing people suffer. I'm tired of seeing people being disappointed. I'm tired of seeing people depressed. I want people to know that it's okay to have joy, to enjoy the experiences you have and the people that come with them. It does require a shift in consciousness. It does require work and a relentless drive for more. It does require celebration even when other people may wonder what you have to celebrate. This life, this time is so precious and so limited it's time for us to stop waiting for things to go bad and expect them to be great. Not good, but great, and anticipate them getting greater.

Question: What is great in you world right now? What do you have to celebrate?

Divine Connections - Part II (Platonic Associations)

You know the saying, "Beware of the company you keep"? Who you associate with definitely has affect on you and your path. What implications are there associated with the people you allow in your life? Some might say it's the difference between success and failure. We are very tempted to maintain relationships with people because of history or what we feel we have to gain. Your future is too valuable to just allow anyone to take part in your inner circle. Just because someone is appealing does not mean they should be allowed to be that close, the right people to aid you will be brought to you regardless, don't sell yourself short, do not settle. If you spend all your time associating with the "wrong" people you won't be available when the "right" people come along.

So how does one qualify as the "right" type of person? We each have our own measuring stick, but for me (considering it is my circle) it's about how they respond and relate to me, especially when times aren't perfect. Are they the type of person that laughs at my idiosyncrasies? Or are they the type to get annoyed easily? Are they the type to be open to me unconditionally? Or are they quick to hold back, lie, and judge? Can I act like my eccentric self? Or do I have to walk on eggshells trying to fit into their definition of cool? Are they actively promoting my growth, taking the time out to engage me in my interests? Or is it completely about their agenda and their requirements for our relationship? That's my list, and if I can not answer on the side of what I know to be a positive contribution to my life then I tend to pass on the relationship all together. People who are not actively for you will contaminate your way of being. For those that I am already actively involved with who are not a positive contribution, I have learned to love them from a distance. My inner world is too important to allow anyone to compromise it and seeing how relationships are the basis of 99% of everything in our human experience you must be careful about who you share your life. This goes for all relationships, platonic and otherwise.

So how do you attract the Divine Connections in our friendships, business partnerships, etc? By not settling and being honest with ourselves about that person's capacity for positively contributing to your lives. Take notice of the people who want to help you, not for their benefit, but for yours. Pay attention to the people who actively go out of their way to let you know they care, especially at the times you may not be at your best. Who still shows up? That is you current circle of cheerleaders, fans, BFFs, etc. To attract and allow others who fit into these categories, pay attention when you are interacting with people how they respond to you. Are they eager, interested, and more than helpful? Does it feel easy to interact with them, almost natural, not forced or contrived? Not to say this means you should look to that person/these people to trust with your deepest darkest secrets, but it's a start and who knows it may be another Divine Connection in the making. Know what your requirements are for your inner circle, your standards. It may seem exclusive and it should be, these relationships are the ones that affect your life greatly. Know your requirements, but be open to these people being brought into your life. They are already on their way to you, but you must allow them.

Question: What are your qualifications for your inner circle?