I’ve got cavities…

….because life’s so sweet. Lol. So obviously I’m having a good day…. let’s make that a good month. I haven’t had to battle any self imposed negativity, I haven’t had any sleepless nights, and I haven’t sunk into any periods of depression. Now a lot of that could be due to the fact that I’ve been working one full time job and two part-time holiday jobs (once recently ending at the same time as one beginning). So maybe it’s just that I’ve had no time to dwell on anything that might put me in a somber mood. But then again, I know that’s not true. I altogether had a mini break down a couple weeks ago, because I didn’t know how I was going to continue with this self-imposed independence and I was between checks at one job and the other one hadn’t paid me properly. Boy was I heated, and not because I needed to go shopping for some new shoes or needed to fly across country for a girls’ weekend, but because I just settled into my current place of residence and I needed some breathing room. Breathing room which was supposed to be afforded by having two jobs! So I broke down, but guess what, I didn’t have time to stay down. I didn’t have time to worry about what tomorrow was going to bring, even though I was upset, I had to force myself to understand that tomorrow was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not. Because there was work to do in my life that next day, and the day after. It didn’t hurt that I have a great support system that’s only a dial away. Sometimes when I feel really alone, and I get caught up in a notion of self importance (that what happens to me only happens to me) my loved ones help me to snap back to reality. An important observation was relayed to me: I’ve always gotten through it, whatever it was and instead of struggling against the flow of progress (which is exactly what creates the discomfort) I must allow the future to happen and ride it out with faith.

So I’ve had the ability to dwell (but not for too long) and I’ve stayed busy, moving forward, progressing. And I’ve also had the time to reflect, to take in the deep breath I was afraid I couldn’t muster, and allow myself to realize just how sweet my life is. I’m now meditating on the place that I’ve arrived, the place between holding on and letting go, the place between forcing and giving – the place of faith, where my soul resides, where all things are placed exactly where they are to be in the appropriate time.

It’s not easy, but I’ve found that what is actually the hardest part is giving mySelf the room to breath, the hardest part is letting go of the reigns and being divinely guided to inspired action. It’s hard to allow because I’m so used to steam rolling into every situation! Lol. But reflecting back on all that I’ve done and been I get emotionally overwhelmed when I understand where I am now. I have arrived (not the first time and surely the last) and God does it feel great.

I just wanted to let you all know that I was better than okay, but how are you all doing, how’s everything in your world? You know I’m just a phone call, message or prayer away if you need me.....

Self Serve

Every relationship, every opportunity you have at relating to another person brings with it a valuable lesson – good or bad. In relating to people we endure the most growth in understanding ourselves and what we hope to experience on this journey. Nowhere is that more true then in our intimate relationships – our romantic relationships and our familial relationships. As 2008 approaches and 2007 comes to a close I feel that one of the most important things I’ve come to understand is that I have to allow people to do what they’re going to anyway or what they want to do. Rather than put myself through unnecessary stress and strain.

Before I have a bunch of people jump on my back, let me clarify. In no other year of my life has self-servitude in people been more evident. I learned that regardless of how much you try to voice your concern, discomfort, or hesitation when a person has a set idea of what they want they will only go with what’s best for you for so long (in most cases) before their altruism runs out. In general there are conditions placed upon love. Rather, limitations placed upon love.

“I love you enough to do X, Y, and Z, but if it makes you uncomfortable and it’s something I want to do, eventually I’ll be doing it.”

Most people have the ability to bypass self-servitude for a period of time, through a few situations, working it out a few times, or just completely giving in to what is the simple solution – not doing what makes the other person uncomfortable. But for only so long, eventually most people will reveal their asses and have you more bothered than you were in the first place. Bothered, because you fell for the charade instead of a workable, tangible solution that was created through compromise (a key component in relationships!) that will perpetuate throughout the tenure of the relationship.

Relationships are about understanding, compromising, and coexisting with another. With that being said, your relationship with yourSelf and this journey called life is about love and the development and understanding of Self. When we enter into these relating-ships, we make a silent agreement with ourselves that part of our journey is going to be influenced by another, the bitter with the sweet. We are separate people, though, with our own agendas, plans, etc. And even when you both are aware of what is required to grow and sustain together, the both of you are going to do (in a sense) what serves you best individually first­. Whether I am a consideration or not, I’ve come to learn how to allow that. This is not a process of being walked over or submissive, because just as they choose so do I. And the level at which I am a factor in the decision making process (considering it is a relationship!) helps me to better define what the relationship is for me. Just because you are given scraps doesn’t mean you have to eat them, especially when you can afford A LOT more. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to throughout this process of relating to others in 2007, people are going to do what they want to do regardless of how you feel, but you don’t have to accept it you just have to have faith in your (deserve)ability to receive what you need/want, even if it’s elsewhere.

I’m realizing daily that maybe I don’t know as much about relationships as I thought I did! So welcome to the rest of this learning process. 2008 is going to be an amazing year, you just wait! – I.D. (Informed Dayna)

If you're not ready.....

.....to be open completely
.....to give as much as you can, as often as you can
.....to grow mentally, spiritually, etc.
.....to let go of your past
.....to forgive
.....to be forgiven
.....to allow for human error
.....to wake up everyday loving life
.....to understand that relationships take work
.....to understand that relationships take sacrifice
.....to understand that relationships take compromise
.....to actively practice unconditionality everyday
.....to give your best everyday
.....to let go of blame to serve a higher purpose
.....to empathize
.....to be the best person that you can be
.....to be challenged
.....to share the intimate details of yourself
.....to be devoted
.....to understand
.....to be understood
.....to put pride on the backburner
.....to expect and support another's greatness
.....to have faith
.....to be a source of inspiration
.....to be loyal
.....to be devoted
.....to be patient
.....to be proactive
.....to submit to love
.....to be honest
.....to hear honesty
.....to trust
.....to be trusted

Than maybe you're not ready for a relationship AKA real-ationship AKA relate-tionship. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship that has a foundation in greatness. I believe that if you are not making yourself available to be all of these things to and for another person then there is work that needs to be done to get you from where you are to where you want to be. I don't believe that this is outside of anybody's realm of possibilities. Some of us just don't want to do it. Some of us just aren't ready for it. Some of us are just too afraid. If it's what you want then make yourself available for it by your readiness to do it. And it will come. :o)

Did I forget anything? Let me know, please and thank-you!

Compelled v. Looking

I am thoroughly amused by the statement: "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." You may say that, but most of the time you really mean, "I'm not interested in a relationship with you, but when the right person comes around then I'll jump." I get it. You're just not into him/her. If that's the case, you might just want to say it then. Or something to the effect of it. Honesty and potential lose is better than inevitable frustration and heartbreak.

Okay, but to the point, most men, I believe, take the compelled route. They aren't making any moves until they see what they want and they generally know what box to put you in within the first 20 minutes of talking to you. Like, "hey she's wifey material," or "she's probably convieniant for a good time." Not that they know for good but they have a general idea quickly whether you have the potential to be nothing, something convenient, or a whole lot more. I'm not saying all men do this, because I do know some that are actively seeking partnership. However there is a vast majority that do. And women seem to do, in general, the opposite. Our approaches seem to be the exact opposite: you can only go down from here, start out as relationship potential (Women) vs. you can only go up from here, start out as nothing to me (Men). A lot of us women (not all) tend to make ourselves always available and open to a relationship. It's like we're always trying to fit the square block into the triangle hole. Some men seem to know exactly what goes in the square space, the're just playing around until they come across the square piece that they KNOW belongs there! While us women are always on the lookout, seeking, opening ourselves up to pieces we know don't belong where we try to put them. And we keep doing it over and over again. Some of us continue to do it until we get it "right." Others just decide to wedge the triangle piece in the circular hole. While still others just get frustrated and decide to stop playing all together and leave unsatisfied.

I think the problem with most of us is that we aren't paying enough attention (or won't pay enough attention) to what we are trying to fill with what pieces. It you have a square hole don't try to fill it with a circular piece, just don't do it! If you know what you want keep going along on your merry way living your life ( playing)until it shows up. Until you SEE it! You don't go looking for it because you'll just end up trying to force it. Know what you want so when it does show up you'll know exactly what to do with it and where it goes. We need to start getting on the same page about what's most important to us, i.e. our relationships. Men aren't for Mars and women aren't from Venus, we're both from Earth and we need to be better to and for each other so we can actually enjoy the experiences of the love in our lives.

Disclaimer: The above statements do not apply to all men and all women. These are just my observations about the majority that I've interacted with.

Defining the Better Half

I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together. Baby, I'm good all by myself, but baby you, you make me better. - Fabolous ft. Ne-Yo, Make Me Better

I always found it confusing when I've seen (or experienced) relationships where people are struggling to make it work. Not just working hard to make it work, but struggling.. I thought one of the perks of a relationship was being able to do what you do, but better. Why better? Because instead of one person working towards one goal, you have to people working towards a goal. Two people committed to making each other's lives better. Two people committed to love and growth. Two people committed to being a "better" half. Not better in the sense of she/he is a better person than I am, but rather she/he is committed to bettering themselves and me. You make me better, I make you better, or at least that's what we try to do. That's what I mean by better half or bettering half.

In a partner ,beyond the typical standards (honesty, trust, etc.), acceptance is necessary. A close second to acceptance is my partner's commitment to helping me to be a better person and vice versa. In my eyes, one of the purposes of a relationship is for a person to have a better understanding of who they are and who they want to be in relation to another. You relating to another person creates the dynamic of contrast giving you the ability to understand yourself better based upon this contrast. It's a beautiful and necessary part of the self-actualization process.

So in the event that you are experiencing the worst in yourself rather than the best and struggling to make the relationship work, maybe it's time to reevaluate your relationship to your bettering half. Maybe it's time to reevaluate how you are relating to them. Are you being a bettering half and are they? Are you still committed to growth or are you committed to holding on? Where do your priorities currently lie? What about your focus? When you and your partners day to day interactions are not longer based upon growth maybe it's time to start readjusting, reevaluating, and/or moving on.

Moving into Necessary

I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mine and we were talking about the relationships that we would consider recreating. I could feel and hear the pain in her voice when she spoke of the person and how she wished she could have that intimate connection again. She was dealing with regret. Regret for the lose of the relationship and regret for what she believed to be the lose of that love. I can't just call her out alone, because by listening to her I got caught up in some regret of my own.

Yes, this post is definitely about me.

I thought back to a relationship I had a couple years ago and how much I wanted it to work and how much I wanted to show the other person that I loved them. But I couldn't love them the way I wanted to because inside I was hurting. I wanted to scream so often at him "I can't love you when I hate myself." But I think he eventually got the picture, the proof was when I actually did push him enough that he did leave.

I didn't want it to end that way or be that way and it created a rift between us that I still dwell on. But let's revisit that statement: I can't love you when I hate myself. It almost scares me today to recall the downward spiral that my life was taking. No, there was nothing that I was involved in outwardly that was contributing to my unhealthiness. It was my inner doubt, fear, and lack of self-confidence. I wasn't moving forward because I was afraid to move, so instead I moved down, down deep into myself. Being involved with another person made it difficult to work through everything I was encountering in my darkness. So I would come out of it and then plunge back into, on and on, a vicious cycle. But once he wasn't there anymore and once it was clear (although not consciously ideal) I stayed in the darkness and worked through it. I did what was necessary without understanding that it was necessary. I actually spent 2 years fighting doing what was necessary! Because I viewed it as being unnecessary, because I was afraid to let go, because I was determined to resist the natural flow. But once I did let it go and allowed what was becoming to be, I came to the place where I was loving myself. Actively loving myself everyday, boy was it difficult but boy is it worth it. I don't like to think about it, but sometimes I have to remind myself of where I could be if I hadn't made that break. I think about the damage I could have done to myself, to him, to us. I think about the point-of-no-returns that I could have fallen into. I think about the wasted time, emotions, and energy that would have been expelled. Then I take a deep breath, close my eyes, look into me and thank God of where I've arrived. Thank God for where I'm at now and thank God from rescuing me from where I could have been. The gains have definitely outweighed the losses.

I wrote this post to encourage my friend. To encourage all of you who are afraid to do what's necessary. Guidance shows you where to go and what to do, it just takes courage to move into the necessary. The celebration of my journey has replaced my regret. And my self love has replaced the love I felt I lost. I know that I will still think of him from time to time and what I walked away from, but I know my decision will be validated by what I know I'm being prepared for. I'm being prepared for the person to whom I can say: "I can love you because I love myself."

Holding my heart

I'm holding my heart in my hands not making any assumptions
On the verge of where what matters meets significance
Other than the way I'm feeling predictions could be pointless
So I stare longingly trying to figure out the true meaning
Of why I'm holding my heart in my hands wondering
Noticing that as I'm holding it it's still beating
- Excerpt from The Dynamic of Holding, Noni Reyes

Are you significant to yourself? Do you wish that someone else would "hold your heart"? And if so have you been holding it yourself? I often times reflect on how significant I've become to myself over the past few years. Before this growth, I was under the assumption that their was some valor in taking care of another person over yourself. Charging yourself responsible for another person's heart, without needing, asking, or requiring them to do the same thing in return. And what did that manage to bring about? Resentment, feelings of betrayal, bitterness, etc. And then I asked myself what I wanted. I wanted another person of significance to make the needing go away. That's what I asked for, in so many words. But when I had it, did the needing go away? No. Why? Because I needed to be a person of significance to myself to make the needing go away. I needed to allow myself to be significant and put myself first.

Not to blame this on anyone or anything, but, being a young woman, society makes it okay for us to be self-sacrificing. Give, give, give. Want to be a mother. Give, give, give. Don't demand. Don't ask for what you need. Give, give, give.

Well maybe you all didn't get that memo, but that was the message that I feel has been subliminally (and not so subliminally) delivered. So how does one go about the process of holding their own heart? Well for starters it might be a good idea to ask yourself how you try to show another person that you love them. You might try to figure out what it is that they want, need, etc. You might do your best diligently to listen to them, support them, advise them, etc. You might try to help them to be a better person. Whatever your answers are, and if you haven't done it yet, take the time to try to give those things to yourself. Take the time to understand what it is that you really want. Take the time to reflect on what you've done lately to get closer to the things you want. Do you give yourself ample rest? Are you patient with yourself? Are you accepting of yourself? Think about all the ways that you could be unconditionally loving of another person and start giving within. Start loving yourself unconditionally and the most that you can. In the event that you have never tried to do this before it can be a daunting task. You might start questioning yourself, like "Do I really have to accept everything about myself, there are somethings that I don't like." It's not a destination, it's a process and a journey. One that you will continue on for the rest of your life so don't look at it like there is somewhere you should be. Instead look at it as a direction you're venturing. Make who you are significant to you.

The Truth...

So I stumbled upon something I put together a couple years ago, while I was redefining myself and in turn what I wanted and expected from a relationship. I noticed how relevant this diagram is to my current situation. I'm trying to cut out all the b.s. and get to what I know a relationship to be. I was always taught that's it's important to get yourself familiar with what you want, so you don't mistake it for something else when it crosses your path. My current state is one of introspection and redefinition. And for me the tail-end of any transitional phase is a new relationship, platonic, romantic, whatever, I'm getting ready to bring new and exciting people into my life. I'd like your opinion, though, on what you think is relevant about this diagram, what you think is inaccurate, or what may need to be added.

If you need a better view of the image click on it:

BlogJacking - For the Ladies

So I'm not one to take what's not mine, I learned that lesson early on in my life. But I just wanted to share an amazing post that I found while surfing the space. I don't necessarily agree with every bullet point but the general idea is completely relevant to my life and I'm sure several of yours. I got to give props to Relle for reposting it.

The post is The Right ONE - Good Read, it is lengthy but take the time to read it, it's a good one!

I want to spend time until it ends....

I want to be in love, happily in love. I almost forget what that feels like; not happily infatuated or happily in puppy love, but happily in love - the real thing. And I think that's what everyone wants, whether they are willing to admit it or not. So if that's what most of us want, then why have so few of us actually accomplished it and sustained it. Why is it so hard to be in love and stay in love?

There are so many people walking around claiming that they have love who don't have the slightest clue. I personally know people that are settling, who put up with so much in the name of love. I personally know people who compromise their own sanity, self-love, and integrity and have the nerve to call what they are experiencing love. Is it too much to have expectations, to expect respect, to anticipate someone who will love you for exactly who you are? No, you were created in the flawless and fierce image of the All-That-Is (God). And love is something that we can expect because of it, we are created in love so we do deserve love. I can guarantee that if we start raising our expectations of love and knowing that we deserve it we will get more then we could ever imagine from and through love. Raise your expectations, expect greatness, expect fidelity, longevity, and sincerity. Expect love unconditionally. I want to spend time IN LOVE until it ends.....and I expect it.

Question: Why do you think it's so hard to be in love and stay in love?

This post is to be continued because there are a couple questions that arouse after I was finished writing it: Maybe a lot of people just don't know what love looks like? Maybe they don't even know what to ask for or expect?