Oh, Baby!

I am reading this book called "Baby Love," it documents Rebecca Walker's (Alice Walker's daughter's) journey through her first pregnancy at 34. The book is so moving because it details the uncertainties she's facing as her mother's daughter, and as an independent, feminist in the 21st century. She battles many of the issues me and my peers are confronting: independence, self-autonomy, success, and freedom. I have yet to finish it, but I would recommend it to my female peers, especially those concerned with having it all, self-sacrifice, etc. I am not quick to put myself out there, but when I was reading the book I literally cried on every other page. Why? Because it made me realize just how much I want to have a child. It hit me like a 2 ton of bricks, right out of left field, and it took over me akin to an insatiable hunger (and any other cliches you can think of). WTF, why do I want to have a child!?! And what would I do with one? The more I tried to explain the urge away, the worse the urge got, the worse it got, the more emotional I became. Hormonal, instinctual, call it what you will, it's here to stay. It's almost akin to explaining away hunger:

Why are you hungry?
Because I want food.
Why do you want food?
Because you're hungry.

Why do you want a baby?
Because I have the urge.
Why do you have the urge?
Because I want a baby.

No explaining away here. If my mother ever reads this she's going to think I've gone mad, the more I think about it the more I think I have gone mad! No, I'm not looking to have a baby right now, I do have a rational side to me. I'm 24, soon to be unemployed (don't ask), and I don't even have my car in my own name. Trust me I am not becoming pregnant anytime soon, not to mention there are no prospects on the horizon to do the impregnating. And no I am not looking for volunteers! There are certain milestones that need to be surmounted before I can even entertain the idea, but I have been completely overtaken by the idea.

So I didn't start this post to be about my infatuation with my unconceived child, I want this to be about this fear of being unable to "have it all" (whatever that means) that so many of my peers are dealing with. Is it possible to be independent women, cater to ourselves and our goals, and still manage to have a family one day? I have friends at both extremes, either they have deferred their dreams to raise their children or they have put relationships and/or the potential of marriage, children, etc. on the back-burner to focus on their career and their dreams. So my questions is, is balance possible? Can I be a young woman devoted to myself, my career, manage a successful relationship that leads to marriage and possibly start a family, all the while maintaining my self-autonomy and freedom. Wow, that sounds like a lot to ask for! For me, the whole having the relationship thing is not an issue, the problem is having a partner who will actively engage in a partnership. If I want the man, the career, mySelf, and the kids, the balance of the family starts with a willing and able partner. That's why I'm single now, I've had more than my fair share of willing partners, it's just the able part that gets tricky. I think most women aren't looking for a man to pay our bills and support us financially, most of us are looking for support in our daily lives, someone that will help us get through our days. We're looking for our best friend, our life partner, our reflection, the yin to our yang. Understanding I have someone that will help me clean up when the ish hits the fan would take the pressure off as far as willing and able. I need someone that's ride or die. Maybe it's not so much about an able partner, maybe it's about how I'm growing to be an able partner for someone else. At the end of the day I can only do my best and have faith that just as I'm preparing myself, someone somewhere is getting ready for me too. So you better watch out, I am going to have it all. And even though I don't have many examples to go off of, I can lead the way. But for now I won't be picking out baby names, but I will get excited about it one day being on the horizon.

Question: What is your definition of having it all?