Problem Child

Have you ever been in a public place and witnessed a child act out. What I mean is: have you ever witnessed a child lose their mind and react in a way that most of us would have met our maker over. I often times wonder what can be going on at home and within the family dynamic that would allow (yes, allow) a child to carry on that way, in public nevertheless. The more I thought about it I came to understand that the outside reaction is just a response to the real problem - whatever issues are going on on the inside. So being a responsible parent what would you do? Would you ring your child's neck? Would you allow them to cut up and walk off, mouthing to passerbyers "Who's child is that?"? Or would you just pick up your child and leave? My real question is this: even if you are prepared to deal with the outbursts, do you recognize that it's the result of a bigger problem? I think this question is relevant to all people, because it helps us to recognize when we are dealing with people who are less than agreeable that we are only dealing with a reaction to the real problem. When we encounter people who interact with others in a disagreeable fashion we must remind ourselves that we're not dealing with their problem with us, we're dealing with their problem with themselves. Generally, people who are highly critical of others are 10x more critical of themselves. People who are doubtful of others are 10x more doubtful of themselves. Etc, etc. You get the point. This post is about how to UNDERSTAND so that you can deal with them should you encounter them in your day-to-day activities. Our job is not to point out what's "wrong" with them, because trust me they've already beat us to it. Our job is to recognize that there is a bigger problem at hand and not add fuel to the fire by making them aware of what their issues are. Because like I said, they already know and they knew it before you did. There are two tools that when practiced help deal with this situation with ease: acceptance and patience. Yep, acceptance. Why, oh why would you want to accept someone that may be in your face, mouthing off, having grown-up temper-tantrums, or all of the above? Especially when you understand they aren't accepting themselves. Because it helps you to deal with a situation you'd rather not deal with and move through it, and at the same time not aggravate the situation. It eases things AND moves them along for you. And yes, patience. Why patience, because without it you're liable to do something, or say something that will make the situation more disagreeable. Just like dealing with an aggravated child. Since you are the more knowledgeable party, you are the most responsible. So act out of that responsibility. And remember: the outward action is only a reaction to an internal problem.

On & On....

Been gone, for a long time, I know. Well, at least 2 weeks, which in cyberland and social networking is like 2 years. I've been in and out of town, doing work, making things happen, making people significant, and learning how to love myself and others better. Busy, busy me and I thank God for it. And even if you haven't missed me, I've missed you. I'd just like to restart my consistent posting with a quote that's recently been making me think long and hard about our existence and purpose.

God became man so that man could become god, but He also became man so that man could become Man.
- Kallistos Ware

And just in case you didn't know, God is SO good! Enjoy....

Bad Dayna

Okay, I've experienced some mean people in my day (read: buttheads) and I have responded in like in the past. If you were a meany, then I was going to be a meany. Relevant to the post below. So I thought about why do I keep attracting meanies? Quite possibly because I took the time to demonstrate I could be a meany back. But thank you God, I know their purpose in my life and how to keep the meanies at bay. Their purpose is to show me how not to act! *leap for joy* Wow, it only took me 24 years to figure that one out. Yes, there are examples everyday of people and things that I believe aren't for me, but the beauty of it is I get to grow as a result of these encounters. I get to choose how I want to be! Yep, I get to say "Well, that's not nice and it's not for me, I'll be moving on now." I get to walk away, I get to enjoy the rest of my day! I know that sounds corny and sounds too easy and who would want to actually think that? But the amazing part about it is that I feel so much better, when I choose that instead of getting upset and acting out of my upset-ness. So from now on I'm Miss Thank-you-but-no-thank-you-I'll-be-on-my-way-now. And I expect, as I'm becoming more disciplined, you'll see Bad Dayna less and less.

Question: How do you deal with the meanies? (Yes, I still use the word meany!)

Two wrongs = even, or does it?

I once heard someone say in response to "two wrongs don't make a right":

Two wrongs may not make a right, but it sure does make it even!

Even? Hmmmm.... Vindication, making things even, giving someone there just do.... Does it really make it even?

I've never been that "good" at retaliating. Not because I'm not creative enough, and not because I can't get back at someone with the effort that I feel I was wronged with. But because I know that no matter what I do outwardly, the feeling of being wronged stems from an internal issue. I've just been reminded of what that internal issue is and that's why I'm bothered. Trust me, I'm creative, I have great ideas and sometimes (read: a lot of times) I feel better when I think of the things I could do in return. I giggle to myself, sometimes I all out crack up, especially at myself for some of the ridiculous schemes I think up. But that's as far as it goes, only thoughts. Why only thoughts and not actions? Shouldn't I have every right to take into my own hands actions which balance the equation? If my goal in relating to other people is manipulation and maintaining my power over another person, then yes. If I feel like my way is the only right and proper way, then yes. If I feel that my ideas and understandings are the only absolute truth, then yes. But I understand, as equal participants in life, that we are all here to interact with each other for the purpose of growth. It goes against the person I am growing to be if I stoop to the level of retaliation.

When I get upset when I feel wronged, 9 times out of 10, it's because of the idea of a person being mean to another just because they can. If I responded in like I would be doing the exact same thing, for the exact same reason, regardless of how justified I feel. Just because I can. I used to be bothered by the fact that I didn't seek retribution, but I now know that it's not about doing something back to prove myself. I can only be me and having nothing to prove makes me feel good.

So why do people retaliate? I think most people do it to balance the power. When people feel powerless, they tend to do things outwardly (instead of internally) to demonstrate to themselves and others that they are powerful. They have something to prove: they don't want others to feel they can hold power over them. So retaliation seems like a good option, heck they have reason to do it (at least they believe they do). Since someone took the time to remind them of how powerless they feel on the inside, who better to "prove" their power to?

So in fact, two wrongs don't make things even. No matter how good you may feel in the moment, as a result of vindication, the feeling of powerless will not go away because of the outward action. And there will be constant reminders, especially when you feel you've been wronged. Yes, you are responsible for making things even, but not out of a resulting outward action, but from inner work on you. If you seek to get rid of the powerlessness that causes you to seek vindication start on the inside. The outward display won't then be necessary and then things will truly be even.

The Reasons

If they keep giving you reasons to leave. If you can list why you should go and have them numbered one through ten. If the losses substantially outweigh the gains, its time to move on. Whether it's a job, an affiliation, a relationship, or a place, get about the business of moving when you are being tugged. You are being tugged for a reason! You might wake up one day to find it gone, but not on your terms and quite possibly harbor the regret of not having done the leaving first. Do not take the signs lightly, you're being tugged in another direction and whether you do the leaving or the leaving gets done to you, its time to move forward. When you make the choice to seek something that is more fulfilling for your soul's journey God will show you the way. All you need is enough faith to allow yourself to follow the direction you're being led. Every step of the way God will be there. So get ready.....

Game recognize game.....

.....and you're looking kinda unfamiliar right now. I love that line from the Boondocks. I'm not sure Riley has spoken any greater truth. How would you recognize something that is completely unfamiliar to you? You recognize things that are inherit in yourself, things that you have taken the time to familiarize yourself with, and/or are a part of you. Remember the saying "No one will treat you better than you treat yourself"? I'd like to add something to that: in the event that someone did, you wouldn't be able to appreciate it, because you wouldn't recognize what they are doing. So here's the whole thing:

No one will treat you better than you treat yourself and if they do you won't be able to appreciate it.

In all honesty that applies to so many other things, no one will love you if you don't love yourself. No one will value you if you don't value yourself. When you think about it, how would you be able to recognize it unless you've experienced it first hand?

To recognize is to re-cognize and to re-familiarize. Unless you allow yourself the respect, love, treatment, and patience of yourself, you'll have a hard time receiving it (or recognizing it for that matter) from another person. Treating yourself in the best way possible, actually accepting the person that you are and loving that person leaves no room for anything less when dealing with other people. When you give yourself the most that you can it allows you to recognize and appreciate when someone respects you at the level you deserve. There becomes a shift in what is familiar and what is unfamiliar. You are then more open to welcome and accept the respect, while keeping yourself unfamiliar with what and who conflicts with your self-respect. It is habitual for most people to welcome and accept the familiar and keep what is unfamiliar at a distance. Why not become familiar with your own self-love and self-respect, that way you won't have to worry about someone else defining what you deserve?

I am taking the time to get acquainted with the person that I have grown to be. I am taking the time to trust myself and love myself unconditionally. The people who I choose to share my life with are reaping the benefits (I hope) of me growing from this elevated place. That way not only do I recognize their respect and love for me, I also appreciate it. Not long ago, though, I was in a place where I couldn't. Thank you God for my growth.

Take the time to sit down and make a list of the ways you can treat yourself better. I'll share my list with you:

How to treat myself in the best way possible

1. Stop being so hard on myself
2. Accept myself, as I am, without condition
3. Take the time to spend time with myself, by myself
4. Commit myself to doing things for myself, that I enjoy
5. Instead of pointing out my flaws, take the time to pay attention to the things that I love about myself
6. Accept compliments
7. Dance whenever I get the chance
8. Keep promises I make to myself
9. Spend time with friends that I have a great time with
10. Make myself a priority and not allow myself to be pulled in all different directions

Enjoy! Please share with me any of the ways you take the time to treat yourself the best way possible, I'm always looking for suggestions!

(In)Security

What does it mean to be secure, what is meant by being in security? I stole this definition of Security v. (In)security from Change Addicts:

So here is the issue, insecurity comes when we derive our success and our existence by our ability to interpret the rules in front of us and feel that we are secure. It is following the law for fear of its consequences instead of following it in the faith of its outcomes.

We are (in)secure when we are abiding by what seems to be the standard rule, or the methods of how things should be. Who defines what those rules are? And are we inherently neglecting our faith when we take the path that has been well traveled? Are we being creative or are we being reactive? As an example, what happens when I look at myself in the mirror and I critique the bags under my eyes and the softness around my waist? What rules does that result from? How does that play into the above definition of insecurity? Well I guess a good questions would be, what standards of beauty am I comparing my under-eye bags and slight pudginess in my waistline to? It didn't come from the sky, I didn't just create the insecurity on my own. I did opt into the standard, though. And even though their aren't blatant displays of what the rules are, there are plenty of places that reinforce the fact that in someone's opinion, in the midst of mass consciousness, I'm not good enough. Not that it really matters, I feel thankful for the battle scars that are the attention I pay to my minor flaws (yes I believe them to be minor). I've walked away less battered than most. There are other young women who are walking around everyday coming to pieces because of their insecurities. So how do I become in secure, rather than insecure? The comparison, the standards that are set, make us actually believe that their is a possibility that God made a mistake. Maybe God forgot something in the process when it came to me. Maybe, just maybe someone else has the authority to tell me what is wrong with me and what beauty and completion really is. I want to let you in on a little secret......we've been lied to. You were and are created in God's flawless image. There is no absolute definition of what beauty is or what's right. We are making this up as we go along, creating what our ideas of the things that we desire and the things that we don't. You get to choose and you get to choose what and what not to listen to. Unfortunately their are many people, just like you, who allow someone else to define what the standards are for them. Do you want the power of security? It first starts with you taking the power to make the decisions about what you like and/or are attracted to for yourself, without regard to the opinions of everyone else. Many people would think that it was impossible, but it's not. It doesn't require you to ignore what they think, but it's your responsibility and right to allow yourself to choose what is for you and what's not for you based upon what is before you. Stop being a zombie, or someone else's drone. If you like it, cool, if you don't, cool. Stop allowing other people to inform your security. Allow the Divine to be your guide, that is the only absolute truth. Deprogramming is probably one of the most difficult undertakes somebody can do, but it's still more than possible and it gives you the benefit of security in yourGod, yourSelf, your decisions and FREEDOM.